Wednesday, December 5, 2012

NFL All-Criminal Team


NFL All-Criminal Team

Role play time: pretend you are the president of the United States in 2016. The prisoners at ADX, with the help of the real-life Bane (known in some circles as “Gary Bettman”) have perfectly executed the prison breakout scene from The Dark Knight Rises and have taken control of the country. Instead of waging full-scale civil war, the prisoners agree to play in a regulation football game at the Meadowlands for control of the country, winner take all. Their only stipulation is that we must pick criminals to play them. Think Space Jam meets The Longest Yard. As the president, you have the honor of handpicking the squad that will determine that future of mankind. Who do you pick?? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the NFL All-Criminal team.

Let’s lay out the guidelines for a minute: any player picked for the team must have at least one arrest to his name. So even though I’d love to have a mauler like Jake Long taking on the inmates, that would violate the terms that were laid out. Since we are already suspending reality in the aforementioned scenario, pretend we can have any player in NFL history in his prime. This opens up the door to some of the all-time NFL bad boys, guys who won’t back down if the free safety is hiding a shiv made from his toothbrush under his hip pads. With that being said, let’s proceed to the picks.

QB – Ben “Big Ben” Roethlesberger
Arrest: Sexual assault
Easy pick. Big, strong, and a proven winner. Extremely questionable off-the-field morals. And there’s no denying that “Big Ben” is a phenomenal nickname for the prison shower room alpha dog. Yeah, I’m excited to have Ben on this team.

RB – OJ “Juice” Simpson
Arrest:  Suspicion of homicide, armed robbery, kidnapping
Another layup. Has a history of leaving a slew of bodies in his wake. The glove may not have fit, but OJ will be a great fit on this smashmouth football team. PS - Bonus points if the player’s nickname could easily double as a nickname in the clank. “The Juice” definitely applies.

RB – Ricky “Half Baked” Williams
Arrest: Refusing to sign a ticket, probation violation
I really wanted to pick Maurice Clarett for the absurdity of his arrest story, but he just isn’t good enough to make this team. Give me Run Ricky Run at his prime all day. He could also probably bribe defensive players to take plays off with a little, ahem, “bartering”, so he has that going for him.

FB – Owen “Runaway Beer Truck” Schmitt
Arrest: suspicion of drunken driving
He’s not going to touch the ball, but even hardened criminals might be scared of this guy. This picture is all you need to see. Side note: I just assumed Owen had been arrested from his google image search, and I was correct.

WR – Randy “Super Freak” Moss
Arrest: Suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, misdemeanor drug possession
Pretty sure there aren’t any 6’4” prisoners running 4.4 40s, so every sideline fade should be like playing as the Vikings in Madden 2002 on rookie. Combine that with the strong chance he’ll moon the warden every time he scores, and we have ourselves a winner.

WR – Michael “The Playmaker” Irvin
Arrest: Drug possession and paraphernalia
He’s going to need a sober chaperone for the 48 hours leading up to kickoff, but Irvin will catch 10+ balls if his head’s in this game. Can also fill the role of locker room clown, an underrated component of team morale.

TE – Jerramy Stevens
TE – Ben “Winter” Coates
Arrest: Domestic abuse
A bit of a wild card here – Coates was one of the original “security blanket” tight ends that was pretty underrated during his playing days. Tight end was so hard to find for this team that I almost picked Fred Davis for his legendary "your hands are on his genitals" courtroom quote. If you weren’t aware, Fred Davis elected to defend himself in this case. Unrelated: Fred makes over $5 million a year for the Redskins.

LT – Willie “Nasty” Roaf
Arrest: driving under the influence
One of the all time greats protecting Big Ben’s blind side. Yippie ki-yay.

LG – Russ “Hog” Grimm
Arrest: Driving while intoxicated
One of the best blue collar lineman of all time and the leader of the “Hogs” that keyed the Redskins’ vaunted running game in the 80s. Points for boozing before practice. Ah, the 80s.

C – Barret “Tijuana” Robbins
Nickname: Attempted murder, assault
Fine, I made that nickname up. His drinking binge and subsequent disappearance before the Super Bowl was one of the stranger stories in recent NFL history, but the guy was an animal when his head was on straight. I’ll take a bipolar roid head against a group of inmates ten times out of ten. Also, if it wasn’t obvious from this selection, centers don’t get arrested very often. 

RG – Nate “The Kitchen” Newton
Arrest: Drug trafficking, possession of marijuana with intent to distribute
One of the stalwarts of the early 90s Cowboys dynasty that doesn’t get as much credit as he should. Mainly on this list because he was arrested for possessing 213 pounds of marijuana, and five weeks later busted for another 175 pounds. That’s 388 pounds! Probably the first player in NFL history to be caught with enough weed to exceed his playing weight.

RT – Bryant “Big Mac” McKinnie
Arrest: Disorderly conduct
Come on, we have to have someone from the Vikings sex boat party on this team! From Wikipedia: “McKinnie allegedly picked up a naked woman, placed her on the bar and performed cunnilingus on her in front of the crew and other guests.”
Happy to have the 6’9” road grader paving the way for this attack.

P – Todd “Boom” Sauerbrun
Arrest: Simple assault
Steroid use, suspension for amphetamines, and an altercation with a cab driver. Welcome to the team, Todd.

K – Sebastian “The Polish Powderkeg” “Sea Bass” “The Crab” Janikowski
Arrest: Drunk driving, possession of designer drug, misdemeanor assuault
Will create plenty of touchbacks with his huge leg and could probably hold his own in a prison riot at 260 pounds. Done and done.

DEFENSE

DE – Bruce “Bruce” Smith
Arrest: Drunk driving
The NFL’s all time leader in sacks is available? Sign me up. I’m already pumped for the deafening “BRUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCEEEEEEE” we’ll get from the Meadowlands crowd after every big play by the hall of famer.

DE – Jared “Rodeo” Allen
Arrests: DUI, DUI, DUI
By all objective measures, Allen looks like a criminal. You know he’s one of those guys all the Mexican inmates just call “loco” and do that figure circling motion around their head. I love Jared Allen’s motor and the fact that he likes to kill elk from a tree with a spear. And the fact that he unabashedly wears #69 doesn’t hurt, either.

DT – Warren “QB Killa” Sapp
Arrest: Domestic battery
The nickname says it all - one of the most dominant DTs to ever play the game. Did anyone else know Sapp was starring in his own reality TV show called “Judge Sapp” where he delivers the verdict on cases like “Sex for Rent” and “Hair Weave Mix-Up”?? I couldn’t sprint to my TiVo fast enough.

OLB – Lawrence “L.T.” Taylor
Arrest: Third-degree rape, various drug charges
The best pass rushing linebacker of all time will be an absolute terror for the other team’s wannabe Paul Crewe. I’m a Redskins fan born in 1989 and this guy still haunts my dreams. His post-football life has been sordid at best, but on the field…I mean…jesus.

ILB – Ray “Ray Ray” Lewis
Arrest: Murder, aggravated assault
Possibly the easiest pick for this entire team. Ray is one of the most dominant linebackers in history, completely terrifying, and consistently gives real life “game of inches” pre-game speeches. He will probably have one of those vintage Ray 16 tackle/2 sack/1 int/1 forced fumble performances with Sapp taking up blockers in front of him. And let’s be honest – he’s killed people before. Saddle up, Ray.

ILB – Bill Romanowski
Arrest: fraudulently obtaining prescription drugs
My defense of this pick can be summed up with one video: skip to 0:55. Good God almighty. I don’t even have a joke here.

OLB – Junior “Tasmanian Devil” Seau       
Arrest: suspicion of domestic assault
This pick pays homage to the late Seau, a man that was tragically taken from us too early in his life. A great player and an even better man, Seau is one of my favorite non-Redskins of all time and someone that deserved multiple Super Bowl rings for all that he gave to the game. RIP, Junior.

Side note: I very nearly took Aldon Smith with this pick. That kid is going to be an absolute animal for the next 10-12 years.

CB – Deion “Primetime” Sanders
Arrest: misdemeanor trespassing
One of the best athletes of all time, in any sport. I thought for sure Deion would have been arrested for drugs or some kind of assault charge, but it was actually for fishing in a restricted airport lake! From the man himself:

“The only defense I have is that I'm sorry, but they were biting,” Sanders, 28, told the News-Press of Fort Myers. “I wasn't out there 10 minutes and they caught me. But I had 10 fish by that time.''

Yeah, sure.

CB – Charles “Poochie” Woodson
Arrest: drunken driving, driving with a suspended license, battery, obstruction
Another one of the all-time greats at CB locks down the other half of the field. If you are any good at math, that means we have the entire field locked down. Interesting fact: Woodson is an oenophile, meaning a lover of wine. Funny, I had him pegged as a liquor guy. What I would give to share a glass of Two Buck Chuck with Charles.

P.S. Being nicknamed “Poochie” in prison probably does not bode well for you.

S – Eugene “The Prophet” Robinson
Arrest: soliciting a prostitute
One of my favorite arrest stories: Eugene was booked for soliciting an undercover cop for oral sex (he offered 40 bucks, in case you were wondering) the same day he was honored with the Bart Starr Award for “high moral character” from the Athletes in Action foundation. He was also nicknamed “The Prophet” because of his deep religious views. Hilarious. So while he might not be the best player available, I just couldn’t exclude him from the team.

S – Sean “Meast” Taylor
Arrest: aggravated assault with a firearm, battery, driving under the influence
My favorite Redskin ever not named Robert Griffin III, another player that was tragically taken from us way too early. ST21 would likely be the best safety in the game today were he alive. I know one person who will never forget the Meast: Brian Moorman. Rest in peace Sean.

KR/PR – Adam “Pacman” Jones
Pacman has to be on here because he has been arrested a whopping 15 times. Hell of a guy! He also gave a speech at this year’s rookie symposium sharing his experience of “spending $1 million in one weekend.” He was actually a very good punt returner for a few years, so let’s just make sure he keeps his ankle monitor on at all times and we should be fine.

Coach – Barry “The King” Switzer
Arrest: Carrying a loaded gun in an airport
I know that 95% of Barry’s accomplishments came from coaching college football, but he did win a Super Bowl with the Cowboys, and I honestly couldn’t find any others. Why don’t more head coaches get arrested? There needs to be lines in Vegas for which current head coach will get arrested first. I’m putting the favorite as Romeo Crennel (3:1), Rex Ryan second (5:1), and Pete Carroll last (15000000:1).

Honorary picks
Michael “Ron Mexico” Vick – dogfighting ring
Plaxico “Cheddar Bob” Burress – illegal possession of a firearm

Neither of these guys will sniff the field…but it wouldn’t be an all-criminal team without them.

And that wraps up the fielding of our team. This honestly looks like a pro bowl roster top to bottom, so I like our chances. Final score prediction: NFL Criminals 77 – Convicts 2 (because you know Pacman is taking a safety after catching a punt inside the 5). It’s been real, folks.


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