Real Men of Basketball: The Unconscious Bad Guy

Say you're about to play a pickup game of basketball. Teams are chosen, and the other captain must have had too many Miller 64s before the game, because his team flat out SUCKS. This one should hit Hiroshima-levels of domination.

The other team starts with ball and is doing jack shit against your teams defense, and eventually their worst shooter gets impatient and lets it fly. The guy whose shot looks like Helen Keller trying to throw a shot put through a tire swing, crossed with with Mark Sanchez trying to hit an open receiver. What a dumba...SWISH. Well shit. I thought that guy sucked? Whatever. Y'all are men, so you're playing make it take it. They throw the ball around fruitlessly again before your boy makes it rain on a contested 24 footer. Nothing but net! What the hell?!?

You blink and when you look up, your team is down 22-12. I don't even have to tell you what happens next - the guy who must have sold his soul to the devil swishes yet another 3. Game, blouses. Your team ran into the buzz saw that is the unconscious bad guy, and there's nothing you can fucking do about it.

The unconscious bad guy can strike more quickly and unexpectedly than a B-52 bomber. And your team is absolutely toast when this happens, because the guy you planned on leaving open all game is suddenly the other team's best player.

So who is the NBA's unconscious bad guy? In honor of his lights out game 1 shooting performance against the Grizzlies, it's none other than ginger extraordinaire Matt Bonner. Look at this shooting form!

Helen Keller for days. And seriously...if Matt Bonner suddenly becomes the unconscious bad guy, you are just not beating the Spurs. Now jump Matt!

The Tweener: Chasing a Record, Crowds, and Flops

On February 26 I wrote an inaugural Tweener column.  As we push back each of our weekly columns in honor of Memorial Day, today becomes "Tweener Wednesday."  Here are this issue's quick hitters, and by quick I mean somewhere between short and TLDR:

>>>> The San Antonio Spurs complete their ground pounding series sweep of the Memphis Grizzlies over the holiday weekend.  They didn't win games in resounding and crushing fashion, but there was just this sense of inevitability.  In fact, since Westbrook went down, it has just felt that way about the Western Conference (I feel that way about the Heat and the Eastern Conference as well - it just feels like Lebron can just finish this when he wants, even though the series is now 2-2).  Lebron has played 128 playoff games already in his career.  That's a lot.  Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobli, and Tony Parker have won 98 games together in the playoffs.  That's good for second all time, behind a group led by this guy:

Obscure NBA Player of the Week: Patty Mills

Each week at Volume Shooters, we highlight an NBA player, past or present, who doesn't spend much time in the spotlight but is nonetheless a valuable cog in his team's quest for the championship. Obscure players tend to be on obscure teams, but with the playoffs going on, we tried to pick somebody out from one of the title contenders. Here's this week's edition:

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

Sometimes, the NBA playoffs can feel like this famous opening quote to Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities. Some games, like game 2 from the MIA-IND series, are absolutely epic battles pitting two elite players at the height of their powers. Unfortunately, some games, like game 3 from the same series, are clunkers where the outcome isn't in question for most of the 4th quarter. The playoffs are great when teams on both sides submit excellent performances, but when the one game on any given night gets out of hand early on, it's certainly not ideal for the basketball fan. Fortunately, the ratio of good games to bad ones in the conference finals thus far has been about the same as the ratio of good players to bad players - in other words, there aren't very many obscure players left. Lucky for our readers, our panel of authors is big into bench celebrations lately, which drew our attention to this week's player:

Recognize this guy? If not, its probably because you've only seen him this postseason doing this:

That's right, its towel wavin' Spurs guard Patty Mills!! Here's the lowdown on our favorite remaining benchwarmer:

Why is the East so bad? Let's fix this.

We were going to write something about Game 1 of the Pacers-Heat Eastern Conference Finals. We really were. It was a weird game. Paul George's emergence at the end, Paul George's disappearance at the very end, Lebron, the curiously quiet Miami crowd, Frank Vogel's coaching - there is plenty to talk about. But for those of us (me) who are not excited about a Miami repeat, the game served as yet another reminder of how easily the Heat may just walk through the East.  They played a team with a sub-.500 record in the first round.  They played a team missing 3 starters in the second round. And now they face an Indiana team that won't be able to play much better than they did in Game 1 (Indiana got a lot of free throws, shot, and held Miami to a miserable 3 point percentage - those are three tough things to keep up).  Look Miami is a great team. In the regular season they made a run at being historically great.  But the talk of "fo' fo' fo'" - that Miami would sweep all three Eastern Conference series 4-0 - is a red flag regardless of how good the team is.  The Eastern Conference just is not as good as the Western Conference (2 teams with 50+ wins this year to 5 in the West; 7 teams with 40+ wins to the West's 10).

Our mission, should we choose to accept it (I do), is to provide a variety of options David Stern and the NBA may use to realign the powers in the Eastern Conference (aka make it has hard as possible for the Heat to achieve a three-peat...a Heat-peat, if you will).  We welcome your comments, critiques, and suggestions.

This should be our goal. Metaphorically. Actually watch this 4 more times
and watch Jimmy Butler's leg. Lebron clearly exaggerates his fall, but
Butler definitely at least moves his leg towards Lebron. Which makes me laugh.

Option 1: Swap Memphis and Milwaukee

I'm leading with this because, if we're honest, moving Memphis to the Eastern Conference is really the best place to start. "But Jack," you say, "Then we're going to miss out on a decade's worth of Clippers-Grizzlies match ups in the playoffs as the 4 and 5 seed!" You're right. And I'm sorry about that. But the good news is, you won't have to watch Monta Ellis ever play in the playoffs again! I'll take that trade off.  Anyway, with Conley, Gasol, Randolph, Allen, Pondexter, and Bayless, and without Rudy Gay, Memphis will be a very solid to very good team for the next couple years.  If they add a shooter, they'll be even better.  They have size and defenders, and I would love to see them lose to Miami in six games in the Conference Finals.

Option 2: Change the Charlotte mascot back to the Hornets.

Done. Next.

Option 3: Allow Sam Presti to make all draft day decisions for the Wizards. 

2013 NBA Draft Roundtable

If you're looking for something to keep you from clawing your eyes out as you re-watch highlights of the Pacers blow Game 1 against the Heat, we've got you covered. We give you our takes on the top 5 overall picks in the 2013 NBA Draft and the impact we think they could have.

Pick #1: Cleveland Cavaliers

Jack: Andrew Wiggins. Isn't he the clear #1 overall? The Cavs have long-term answers at PG (Uncle Drew), PF (Thompson), and C (depending on how you view Varejao's health, but he was putting up 14 points and 14 boards a game before getting hurt), and maybe even SG if Waiters continues to improve.  Maybe you prefer Jabari Parker? Either way, this draft is so weak I think we see a high school player go first overall.  (I actually think they should trade this pick, either by trading down or by trying to get a young SF...I'm thinking Kawhi Leonard or Danny Green or Klay Thompson? But if they must pick, they'll probably take Nerlens Noel, C, Kentucky because he's the safest bet.)

Real Men of Basketball: The Shameless Hack Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the shameless hack guy.

You know that feeling when you blow by your man in basketball and have a wide open path to the hoop? Kinda like the first time you had sex. Actually in my case, the former is way better. Anyway, just as you're about to lay in an easy 2, a mysterious forearm comes out of nowhere and clubs the ever loving shit out of your shooting arm. "Check up" he says. Wtf? You had a layup - how is checking up remotely equivalent? But that's how pickup ball works. The shameless hack guy has done his job, and he gives less fucks than the honey badger.

The Tweener: Moore, OK, we're here for you.

On February 26 I wrote an inaugural Tweener column. It's that time of the week again - this issue's quick hitters are below with a special topic at the end.

• This is the worst part of the playoffs, where the time between televised games gets longer, and the entertainment factor within each game gets smaller.  You have to assume the NBA office is performing every sort of voodoo magic they can think of to prevent a Memphis-Indiana final. If there wasn't the possibility that at any moment Wade could throw an alley-oop pass to Lebron, and if the Spurs offense wasn't the prettiest thing to watch since Emma Watson in Harry Potter 7 Part I (the saving grace of that movie), I wouldn't watch any of these Conference Finals games.  And even though Miami and San Antonio aren't the largest markets out there, they're still pretty effing big. And the best part is, no one knows what to think about that match up. Seriously. They've basically never played each other at full strength. Can Popovich draw up the perfect Xs and Os to beat a small ball, athletic, we're-faster-than-you-because-you-play-3-old-men kind of attack? So here's to Indiana beating Miami so this intrigue can live on for another year!

No really, the Pacers are so boring Lance Stephenson tried choking himself.

Obscure NBA Player of the Week: Ian Mahinmi

Each week at Volume Shooters, we highlight an NBA player, past or present, who doesn't spend much time in the spotlight but is nonetheless a valuable cog in his team's quest for the championship. Obscure players tend to be on obscure teams, but with the playoffs going on, we tried to pick somebody out from one of the title contenders. Here's this week's edition:

To quote a friend who I'm 99% sure never reads our blog, now that the Conference Finals have started, the playoffs are really starting to get down to brass tacks. All the fun teams pretenders have been eliminated, and with them, many of the truly obscure players still making a playoff rotation have been sent home for the summer. Fortunately for our readers, I will stop at nothing to bring a fresh edition of this column every week until the playoffs end (even if I am secretly just trying to take up all the good players so Shane Ryan's "Who's that Guy" column runs out of material before we do). With my task at hand, I scoured the remaining playoff rosters to find a non-household name who may trend on Twitter before the 2013 season is said and done. This week, I came up with this guy:

Although pictured here in a Dallas uniform, that's current Pacers backup center Ian (pronounced "Yan") Mahinmi, who somehow managed to get a custom wallpaper image with him ascending from a giant ball of flames. Estimated total downloads: 6 (well, 7 now that we've put it on here). Anyways, here's the lowdown on Ian.

Prediction Review

Way, way back in December 2012, before most of you even knew this blog existed, I put together a piece outlining 5 bold predictions for the upcoming NBA season. The prediction piece is a classic space-filler for most sports blogs looking to put up more content before the season started, and - full disclosure - that's exactly the purpose it served here. But unlike most preseason predictors who make their claims then pretend they never existed when the season blows them to smithereens, I am here to own up to my claims and see just how I did. A few quick disclosures:

• When I initially published the column, I specifically noted they would be bold predictions, i.e., things I didn't really expect to come true, but things I thought had a legitimate shot of happening that most people seemed to disregard. Does that excuse my pick of Kyrie Irving to win the scoring title? Absolutely not! Just wanted to state my case before diving into too much detail.
• These predictions were not technically made before the season, but they were made after about 13 games for each team, so the sample size was not high enough to really get a good read on any teams. I would have been pretty happy to get 2 out of these 5 predictions correct at the time I made them.
• I'll go ahead and score myself using the following grades: resounding victory, victory on a technicality, loss on a technicality, and "what were you thinking?"

With those out of the way, let's see how the predictions played out...

This guy knew a thing or two about bold predictions.,

More Than Just a Pretty Shot

We know. We know. We post about Steph a lot. Ok, ok, ok...a LOT. But over the last few days a couple of pieces have gone viral in the Davidson social media circles that have absolutely spoken to the heart  of Davidson, Stephen Curry himself, and why everyone enjoys watching him play.

The first comes from a good friend from our Davidson years (she lived on the same freshman hall as Paul and Jack), Gabi Wallace. Fair warning - it's quite touching.

Davidson Daybook: An Old Man's Wish and a Wildcat Favor - by Gabrielle Wallace

The second piece comes from another Davidson classmate of ours, one who played on the women's basketball team while at Davidson and spent a decent amount of time sharing the gym with Steph.

Charlotte Magazine: Prettier Than He Looks - by Amanda Ottoway

It's no wonder why the Davidson community has suddenly morphed into some of the biggest Golden State fans in the country. And if these pieces haven't convinced you to cheer for the Warriors tonight as they attempt to level their playoff series once more, then maybe this will:

Real Men of Basketball: The Unstoppable Little Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the unstoppable little guy.

He exists on every pickup court in America. He always looks different, but he is in fact the same player. His team always wins, and there's nothing you can do about it, even though you tower over him like Yao Ming over Earl Boykins. He is the unstoppable little guy, and he will haunt your dreams, your nightmares, and everything in between.

The unstoppable little guy has every trick in the book mastered. He has generally always been short, so he's learned how to compensate by shielding layups with his body and using a variety of fakes to get you off balance. He doesn't take a ton of shots, but if you leave him wide open, it's game over. Many times the best part of his game is passing ability, because he sees lanes that other people don't and sneaks passes under your arms.

And lastly, the fucker is just so damn quick that you don't have a chance. If you play off him, he makes the shot. If you guard him tight, he's past you in like 0.2 seconds. And when he picks your pocket on the defensive end, just don't even bother giving chase. Save your energy for yelling at your teammates.

So who is the NBA 's unstoppable little guy? Why, it's no other than Stephen Curry Tony Parker! I was this close to picking Steph, but our blog collectively sucks his dick enough, and Parker fits my description better. Parker is 6'1", yet almost never has his shot blocked. He's a very good midrange shooter, and one of the quickest/shiftiest point guards in the game. And to prove my "he wins every game" statement earlier: the Spurs have won 50+ games every year that Parker has been at the helm. Unstoppable little guy, indeed. Now enjoy my GIFs!

Too quick for NBA players!

That shot is just not supposed to go in

The Tweener - Grow up and wear some clothes

On February 26 I wrote an inaugural Tweener column. It's that time of the week again - here are this issue's quick hitters:

• This week here in DC it is supposed to be in the 60s or low 70s every day. I don't say that to rub it in your face, I say that because I would like for you to empathize with how much I want a hammock. You know that feeling when you just want to take a nap? You're just too tired to do anything but lie down because you spent the day at work, or you got up early on a Saturday because someone wanted you to accompany them to a farmers market and are therefore sleep deprived, or if you're like me you got up at noon and spent two hours watching tv and that made you sleepy again. You have that "as soon as my head hits the pillow" feeling. Well, that must be how the Bulls feel. (Was that a stretch? I don't know.) The number of shots they left on the front of the rim last night was dizzying. The number of tips they missed was unlikely. The number of loose balls they won was, well, not very good. They're just tired. The good news is - that "as soon as my head hits the pillow feeling" they have will be resolved soon, since they're one game away from being done. It's too bad they couldn't be healthy - it would have been a lot more fun for the rest of us.  Don't be surprised if during game 5 Carlos Boozer does this to himself, just so he can get to sleep even earlier:

Obscure NBA Player of the Week: Festus Ezeli

Each week at Volume Shooters, we highlight an NBA player, past or present, who doesn't spend much time in the spotlight but is nonetheless a valuable cog in his team's quest for the championship. Obscure players tend to be on obscure teams, but with the playoffs going on, we tried to pick somebody out from one of the title contenders. Here's this week's edition:

While watching the Spurs-Warriors game yesterday, I thought Mark Jackson's coaching Chi that he had built up over the course of the playoffs would finally come crashing down. In the first 4 minutes of the game, both of his starting post players (Andrew Bogut and Carl Landry) had picked up 2 fouls, which would ordinarily relegate both of them to the bench for the remainder of the quarter. Yet Jackson for some reason could only be bothered to retrieve Landry (replacing him with David Lee), leaving Bogut in...to defend the best power forward ever...without fouling? Sure enough, it took about 45 seconds for Bogut to pick up a bad foul, so Jackson was forced to bench him...for Landry? Sure enough again, Landry also picked up a quick third, leaving Jackson without any trusted options...save for one. As he has done all season, he called on a rookie to come in and play big minutes, and while he did not play spectacularly, he did just enough to keep the Warriors in the game until halftime. Who was this mysterious rookie (and no, it wasn't Kent Bazemore)?

In his much younger years...

Yep, it was none other than Festus Ezeli, an athletic big man in his first NBA season. So why did Jackson turn to him in this spot? ...well, probably because the only other option was Andris Biedrins. But keep reading anyway.

Space Jam Roundup: Our Thoughts on Your Thoughts

As promised, here are our thoughts on our picks from yesterday's fantasy board draft. We've addressed our own picks, each other's picks, and those comments that were left on Facebook and the blog itself.

Paul: So I just spent a fairly long time perusing a jersey website trying to find a Tskitishvili jersey (no luck). However I did find this jersey for Brian: https://www.basketballjerseyworld.com/products/WAS0211-rasheed-wallace-washington-wizards-bullets.

Brian: I might have to get the Sheed jersey with expedited shipping, and I'll take a look at the linking feature this weekend.

Jack: Speaking of the Bullets, if we hypothetically said we were using 2012's draft order - you know who messes up this draft? The Wizards with the 3rd pick. "Ok, Lebron and Durant are gone. Irving? Harden? Paul? Oh crap we're down to 10 seconds...Beal looked pretty good this year? Klay Thompson is on fire since David Lee went out...uhhh we select Andrew Bogut!!!"

Ok, on to our thoughts?

The New Space Jam

Picture this: Aliens show up, Space Jam style, and have decided that the current configuration of teams in the NBA isn't fair (because aliens are small-market fans, and especially love Sacramento for God knows what reason).  They take control of David Stern's body (and Rip Hamilton's - this via Nate Robinson's instagram) and broker a deal between the NBA and the Player's Association that nullifies every existing contract, making every player a free agent.  To reassign players a fantasy draft has been created.  You, the casual-to-avid basketball fan, receive a telephone call from an NBA owner (who also must be under alien influence) and he informs you that his franchise has a top-10 pick in the upcoming draft.  Your task? Create a draft board for him to use as the draft progresses.

Below are these "draft boards" from each writer for this site. They are controversial, they are based on opinions, and in some cases they are based on little-to-no sleep.  We fully welcome your comments - in fact, we would love it if you left your own draft board as a comment here or on Facebook.  (We'll put up our defense of our picks and comments on others sometime tomorrow.)

Real Men of Basketball: The Chucker Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the chucker guy.

Picture yourself in any pickup game in America. The guy warming up near you looks like he can really shoot the rock. You look over as he throws up a couple corner 3's: Swish. Swish. Swish. Damn, not bad. Hope that guy is on my team!

Teams are picked, and to your delight, shooter bro is on your team! You can't help but imagine the train your team is about to run with this guy making it rain. You bring the ball up and throw it to shooter guy on the wing. He's not really open, but the shot goes up immediately from about 26 feet. Clank. Whatever, even the pros miss. Next possession - you drop it to him in the post and he throws up a heavily contested fadeaway right away. Barely draws iron this time. Hey, even the great shooters have to shoot themselves out of a cold streak. Let's give him another chance. You get him the ball near the elbow on the next possession. He takes a jab step, one dribble, and launches a running hook shot from just inside the foul line. Nothing but air. What the hell was that?!? Your team has just fallen victim to the chucker guy.

The Tweener: Parties, Iron Man, and a Facebook Creation

On February 26 I wrote an inaugural "Tweener" column. It's that time of the week again! Here are this issue's quick hitters:

Happy Birthday to...

My birthday is at the end of this week. So I figured it would be interesting to see if any famous NBA players shared my birthday, or at least a volume shooter or two. Here's what I found (possible Obscure NBA Players alert!):

Obscure NBA Player of the Week: Vladimir Radmanovic

Each week at Volume Shooters, we highlight an NBA player, past or present, who doesn't spend much time in the spotlight but is nonetheless a valuable cog in his team's quest for the championship. Obscure players tend to be on obscure teams, but with the playoffs going on, we tried to pick somebody out from one of the title contenders. Here's this week's edition:

In a matchup that I somewhat predicted at the beginning of the season, the Miami Heat will face the Chicago Bulls in an Eastern Conference Semifinal kicking off tomorrow. When you think of Miami this season, pretty much the last thing that comes to mind is any obscure players - they are a collection of hall-of-famers, some older than others, who teamed up for one more shot at a title. Probably their most obscure player (not counting the immortal Jarvis Varnardo and his 1.20 PER) is Norris Cole, who was a staple in their rotation even last season and should be familiar to most fans. The Bulls, on the other hand, have been decimated by injuries to the point that almost everybody on their roster would qualify for this column. We already highlighted Marco Bellinelli a while ago, but there is one more obscure European player who Tom Thibodeau has had to deploy in limited situations this year, as he may have to do this series if Luol Deng's injury proves serious:

No way. This was either rookie hazing or...

That strapping fellow in the above picture is 12-year NBA veteran Vladimir Radmanovic! Here's the lowdown on Vladimir:

Live Blog - Nuggets-Warriors, Game 6.

The gang invited a special guest to live blog (most of) Game 6 from Oracle Arena. Below is the largely unedited transcript of our conversation, with parentheticals added to delineate critical events within the game.

 Paul:  Well guys, welcome back to another exciting edition of the Volume Shooters live blog! We've got a special guest with us tonight, resident Warriors fan William "Frattin" Stratton Roberts. Bulls v. Nets however is still ongoing so we're catching the end of it quickly. What say you all?

 Jack:  DAVID LEEEEEEE

(For reference, a TNT game break just showed David Lee warming up.)

 Brian:  hey will!

(i'm sitting next to him)

that's so funny

 Will:  regretting inviting me yet?

 Jack:  I don't know if we get the same commercials or not, but I would like to say that I hate the "Hopper" commercials with all the miniature crap. "It's the same thing"...the hell it's not! I don't want a tiny ass beer and one nacho!

Related...I do like the AT&T commercials. I'm sorry, what's going on? The Bulls are down 4 with 2:45 left?

 Brian:  Resident Warriors fan Will can barely contain himself. Will Steph go for 40? Can Andrew Bogut continue his resurgence? Can the Nuggets continue their dirty play from game 5 with plenty of help from the refs? So many story lines!

 Will:  Thanks for the invite guys! I have a number of opinions. I'm glad I have you in my reach to share them. And probably have to reach the.

Read *

Them *

Already Drunk.

Why Lebron James is Underpaid

Perhaps the most popular refrain from people who do not follow sports closely is the following:

"Oh, those guys all make way too much money for playing some stupid game. No job is worth $20 million dollars per year."

This sentiment can be interpreted one of two ways. On the one hand are the people who think professional athletes just make too much money on the whole. While the sentiment of this statement is accurate (the US economy and society would likely be extremely similar if pro sports didn't exist), athletics on the professional level are a business, and the fact remains that people will pay a lot of money to see games. The linked article indicates that the Dallas Cowboys were worth a cool $1.81 BILLION dollars in 2013, roughly the annual GDP of San Marino. OK, that doesn't sound too impressive, but rest assured there is serious money changing hands in all major American leagues.

The second argument is that while the league may be appropriately valued, superstars in these leagues make way too much money. After all, there are only about 400 NBA players at any one time, so they already represent the top .0001% of basketball players in America, let alone worldwide. However, within these 400 players, some clearly bring a lot more value than others, and are in fact deserving of extremely massive salaries. Yes, friends, Lebron James (and his $16 million salary) is woefully underpaid.

Real Men of Basketball: The Annoying Screen Setter Guy

I'm going to try out a new idea for my recurring column theme this week. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light, except I will talk about the various players you find in pickup/intramural games and their NBA equivalents. As always, I welcome any feedback! First up: the annoying screen setter guy.

Let's set one thing straight: no one likes playing defense in intramural basketball. You think that group of sophomore girls that your friend randomly brought to the game are gonna be impressed because you provided timely help defense? Or contested a corner 3? For sure not. So anything that makes playing defense even a little more difficult is bound to piss you off.

Say you're guarding the guy bringing the ball up the court. He dribbles the ball to your right. "Screen right!" your teammate calls out. Whatever, screens are part of the game. You easily go over the pick and stay in front of your man. "Screen left!" your hear immediately after. Ok, ok...I'll just go over that one too. Except now you're a little less prepared/a little out of position and he manages to set a hard screen into your shoulder. But you manage to get through it and pick up your man. "Screen right!" you hear one more time. F. THIS. GUY! This time you run full on into the screen and get knocked backward. Your teammate stays with the screener and your man easily scores. "Now that was a screen!" the guy on the other team celebrates. Cool dude, you just set 3 in a row!