Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Wilt and The Legend of 20,000

By Brian Sachtjen

Twenty thousand. Almost every casual sports fan has heard of Wilt Chamberlain and the claim that he slept with 20,000 women over the course of his life.

Now you have to admit, that number sounds way too round and convenient to be based on any sort of truth. Where did it come from? Allegedly, he created that figure after a 10 day stay in Honolulu where he slept with 23 women. He took that rate of promiscuity, divided it by 2 to be conservative (for a pace of 1.15 women per day), and multiplied by the number of days he had been alive and sexually active (since age 15) to arrive at 20,000.

So this begs the question: did Wilt actually accomplish the feat of 20,000, or was that just an arbitrary representation of his success with women? And just for fun, where would other famous athletes and celebrities fall on the spectrum of sexual conquest? Let’s pretend that Vegas sets over/under lines for degenerate gamblers like myself to bet on - what would these lines be, and where would I put my money? With great pleasure I present to you the Durex© Athlete/Celebrity Cocksman All Stars.

Wilt Chamberlain, Hall of Fame NBA Center
Over/under: 20,000
I don’t doubt that Wilt had his way with women. Not for a second. The problem is that 20,000 is just too damn high. I mean…1.15 women per day, every day of your life since you were 15? That means any day that you fail to close, you need a threesome the next day to even keep pace on the road to 20k – and that’s rounding down from 1.15 women/day. Shit, I don’t think I even have sex 1.15 times per day when I have a steady girlfriend. Probably because I fell asleep after round one every time, but that’s beside the point. I’m sure Wilt had his share of orgies that would make the 2005 Minnesota Vikings blush, where he would pad his stats with 5-10 women in one night. But given that he had basketball obligations, and a brutal travel schedule, and no known children in an era where birth control was an afterthought…I’m sorry, it just doesn’t add up. I’m banging the under (insert joke here).
My bet: UNDER

Justin Bieber, Canadian Pop Singer, Closet Homosexual, International Star
Over/under: 17.5
The idea for this column actually came from a disagreement I had with a lady friend of mine. She has an unhealthy obsession with the Biebs, and was not shy about sharing her desire to, ahem, spend a night in his company. I asked if it bothered her that she would be completely forgotten in the revolving door of women that is the Bieber Believe tour. Her response was something to the extent of, “What do you mean? He dated Selena Gomez for forever! I bet he’s only been with like 4 or 5 girls.” HOLD THE PHONE. I immediately texted about 10 of my guy friends asking what they thought the real number was. The responses ranged from 12 to 73 (oddly specific I know), with most falling in the 30+ range. Ok, let’s conservatively assume for a minute that a) Selena was his first, and b) he was completely faithful the entire time they dated. Well, they have been on and off so many times that he has collectively been single for 3 months or so. Let’s see…he has 37 million Twitter followers. Two platinum albums. Playboy models on his arm. He’s hosted SNL. And a female following that reacts to his mere presence like this. Um, I think he’s found the time for more than 4 or 5 girls in those 3 months. The Biebs is on fire – book the over.
My bet: OVER

Antonio Cromartie, New York Jets cornerback, Birth Control Hater
Over/under: 400
This list wouldn’t be complete without the most fertile athlete alive, Antonio Cromartie. AC has fathered 12 children with 8 women, enough to field his own football team! True story: the Jets had to advance Cromartie $500,000 in 2010 to make his child support payments. He also went to Florida State, which is notoriously one of the most sexually active student bodies in the country – and that goes double for football players. You can’t make this line high enough.
My bet: OVER

Genghis Khan, Mongolian conqueror
Over/under: 5000
Had to throw one into the ring after hearing that over 0.5% of the world’s population is directly descended from Khan. That’s more than 30 million people!!! Scientists that traced his lineage estimated that he must have had hundreds, if not thousands of children for that to be true. It was documented that his harem of women ranged anywhere from 2000-3000 women at its peak. His men believed him to have special sexual powers because he possessed the ability to sleep with so many women in one night. I think Genghis gives Wilt a run for his money on this list.
My bet: OVER

Brian “The White Mamba” Scalabrine, Retired NBA Forward, Ginger Extraordinaire
Over/under: 49.5
I feel like the absolute lowest over/under line for an NBA player is 49.5, just because they can pick up a certain number of women just by saying “I play in the NBA, let’s go back to my hotel room.” But Scal seems like the type to go bed early during the season, take care of himself by abstaining from alcohol, practice safe se…wait, what am I saying? The White Mamba has been the man since he was 18 years old! He was first team All-Pac 10! Went to USC! NBA Champion! You don’t think he made time for 50 women?? YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!!

Michael Jordan, Retired NBA Hall of Fame guard, Global Icon
Over/under: 2000
Now this one I really struggled with. On one hand, he’s arguably the best and most famous athlete ever. So he could’ve spent half his life just bedding any woman he pleased, laughing about it 5 minutes later over cigars with Charles Oakley, and doing it again the next night. But I feel like he was never wired to chase women in the same way that Wilt Chamberlain was. Michael was so hyper-competitive that his life literally revolved around basketball and gambling – so I feel like he only seriously tried to chase tail when he was in a betting situation. Admittedly a lot of these encounters fell right into his lap, but he never really made it his mantra like Wilt did. Can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m gonna have to take the long odds here.
My bet: UNDER

Manti Te’o, Prospective NFL Linebacker, Legendary Hoax Victim
Over/under: 4.5
Now I know what you’re thinking: “why isn’t this line 0.5? This guy got catfished online by a guy pretending to be a girl – surely Manti is a virgin!” Not so fast. Personally I still don’t buy the whole hoax thing and I think it’s likely that either Manti is gay or it’s a cover up for something else. Either way, there’s no way that the Heisman runner-up remains abstinent for an entire season, much less 4 years of college at a high-profile football school. And if the hoax was real, can you imagine how ridiculous it is if Manti agonized about whether or not to tell Lennay Kekua that he cheated on her? And when he finally told “her”, but it was actually a guy on the other end, how that guy reacted? “Uhhhhh…oh…babe…how…could…you?” This situation will never cease to be funny.
My bet: OVER

Brittany Griner, Baylor Women’s Basketball center
Over/under: 6.5
So most men wouldn’t go near this one. Then again, neither would most women based on the basketball games I’ve seen her play (women’s basketball, amirite folks?). But don’t we all have that friend that will hook up with a girl “just for the story”, or “because I was drunk and she was there,” or “because I could be a millionaire on the .1% chance she gets knocked up”? I would be willing to bet that Baylor has at least 7 such guys. I also don’t think Brittney would…ok let’s tread carefully here Brian…take no for an answer very easily. Ha. I’m going to be checking around corners using the reflection from a Bowie knife if she ever reads this article.
My bet: OVER

Tim Tebow, NY Jets Backup Quarterback
Over/under: 0.5
The easiest one of them all. You think after Tebow beat Pittsburgh with an 80 yard TD on the first play of overtime in last year’s playoffs he celebrated by praying and getting an early night’s sleep? Or that he simply came to terms with being benched behind Mark Sanchez and GREG MCELROY by selflessly building houses for the homeless and circumcising babies? I hate to call Tebow a “fraud”, because I actually like the guy, but he would have gotten married already if he didn’t lose his virginity a long time ago. In the words of Stephen A. Smith, “PUH-LEASE.”
My bet: OVER

Hope you enjoyed it, folks.

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