Real Men of Basketball: The Baller Old Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the baller old guy.

Old people ruin everything - that's just a fact. Parties, highway driving, late night basement hookups...you name it. So what's worse than when a bunch of young bloods try to get a pickup game going and the only option for the 10th man is Old Man River and his replacement knees? I'll tell you...it's when Old Man River decides to put on a fucking clinic.

Too easy against these young bloods

Real Men of Basketball: The Hilariously Out of Shape Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the hilariously out of shape guy.

Nothing warms my heart quite like a competitive game of pickup basketball. Sure it's fun when you're the best player on the court and raining it NBA Jam style, but truth be told I'd rather play a tough game when all of the players on the court know what they're doing. 

Now it's no surprise that basketball is a physically demanding sport - you need to be in at least decent shape to play at a competitive level. Which is why nothing is funnier to me than walking out onto the court and seeing the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's doppelganger warming up at the speed of a three toed sloth.

Feed me on the block!

The hilariously out of shape guy could not be more out of place on a basketball court. He is physically maxed out after 3 trips down the court, and his body resembles a car wreck in slow motion. I would feel bad for him, but it's tough when he resorts to clotheslining anyone within arms reach because that is literally his last defense. But wait, NBA players are professional athletes. There aren't any such guys in the NBA, right?

Wrong.

Shaq used to be one of the most dominant athletes in the league, but as many of you saw, he went to seed quickly. I love you Shaq...but for the last 3 years of your career, you were the hilariously out of shape guy.

He can still move though!

Real Men of Basketball: The Unconscious Bad Guy

Say you're about to play a pickup game of basketball. Teams are chosen, and the other captain must have had too many Miller 64s before the game, because his team flat out SUCKS. This one should hit Hiroshima-levels of domination.

The other team starts with ball and is doing jack shit against your teams defense, and eventually their worst shooter gets impatient and lets it fly. The guy whose shot looks like Helen Keller trying to throw a shot put through a tire swing, crossed with with Mark Sanchez trying to hit an open receiver. What a dumba...SWISH. Well shit. I thought that guy sucked? Whatever. Y'all are men, so you're playing make it take it. They throw the ball around fruitlessly again before your boy makes it rain on a contested 24 footer. Nothing but net! What the hell?!?

You blink and when you look up, your team is down 22-12. I don't even have to tell you what happens next - the guy who must have sold his soul to the devil swishes yet another 3. Game, blouses. Your team ran into the buzz saw that is the unconscious bad guy, and there's nothing you can fucking do about it.

The unconscious bad guy can strike more quickly and unexpectedly than a B-52 bomber. And your team is absolutely toast when this happens, because the guy you planned on leaving open all game is suddenly the other team's best player.

So who is the NBA's unconscious bad guy? In honor of his lights out game 1 shooting performance against the Grizzlies, it's none other than ginger extraordinaire Matt Bonner. Look at this shooting form!

Helen Keller for days. And seriously...if Matt Bonner suddenly becomes the unconscious bad guy, you are just not beating the Spurs. Now jump Matt!

Real Men of Basketball: The Shameless Hack Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the shameless hack guy.

You know that feeling when you blow by your man in basketball and have a wide open path to the hoop? Kinda like the first time you had sex. Actually in my case, the former is way better. Anyway, just as you're about to lay in an easy 2, a mysterious forearm comes out of nowhere and clubs the ever loving shit out of your shooting arm. "Check up" he says. Wtf? You had a layup - how is checking up remotely equivalent? But that's how pickup ball works. The shameless hack guy has done his job, and he gives less fucks than the honey badger.

Real Men of Basketball: The Unstoppable Little Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the unstoppable little guy.

He exists on every pickup court in America. He always looks different, but he is in fact the same player. His team always wins, and there's nothing you can do about it, even though you tower over him like Yao Ming over Earl Boykins. He is the unstoppable little guy, and he will haunt your dreams, your nightmares, and everything in between.

The unstoppable little guy has every trick in the book mastered. He has generally always been short, so he's learned how to compensate by shielding layups with his body and using a variety of fakes to get you off balance. He doesn't take a ton of shots, but if you leave him wide open, it's game over. Many times the best part of his game is passing ability, because he sees lanes that other people don't and sneaks passes under your arms.

And lastly, the fucker is just so damn quick that you don't have a chance. If you play off him, he makes the shot. If you guard him tight, he's past you in like 0.2 seconds. And when he picks your pocket on the defensive end, just don't even bother giving chase. Save your energy for yelling at your teammates.

So who is the NBA 's unstoppable little guy? Why, it's no other than Stephen Curry Tony Parker! I was this close to picking Steph, but our blog collectively sucks his dick enough, and Parker fits my description better. Parker is 6'1", yet almost never has his shot blocked. He's a very good midrange shooter, and one of the quickest/shiftiest point guards in the game. And to prove my "he wins every game" statement earlier: the Spurs have won 50+ games every year that Parker has been at the helm. Unstoppable little guy, indeed. Now enjoy my GIFs!

Too quick for NBA players!

That shot is just not supposed to go in