Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Real Men of Basketball: The Shameless Hack Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the shameless hack guy.

You know that feeling when you blow by your man in basketball and have a wide open path to the hoop? Kinda like the first time you had sex. Actually in my case, the former is way better. Anyway, just as you're about to lay in an easy 2, a mysterious forearm comes out of nowhere and clubs the ever loving shit out of your shooting arm. "Check up" he says. Wtf? You had a layup - how is checking up remotely equivalent? But that's how pickup ball works. The shameless hack guy has done his job, and he gives less fucks than the honey badger.

One of the biggest problems in pickup bball is that fouls are not kept track of, and any foul just results in checking up instead of foul shots. There is always one guy in every game that exploits this situation by fouling any man, woman, or child that comes close to the paint - and that guy is the shameless hack. Even worse, most of the time he is not playing the ball, and fouls for the sake of fouling. What's it matter to him? He's not gonna foul out or anything, even though he probably commits 15 fouls per game by your unofficial count. I say this from the heart - FUCK that guy.

Now obviously the NBA is way different since they record fouls and take foul shots, but there are still those players that would rather be captured by the Taliban than let you have an open layup. And they will shamelessly hack themselves all the way to the bench. So who is the #1 perpetrator? That's right, I'm looking at you, Boogie Cousins.

Boogie don't give a fuck

Demarcus "Boogie" Cousins committed 3.6 fouls per game, good enough for 3rd in the league. But even worse, this came at a rate of 5.6 fouls per 48 minutes! Can we give a shout out to Boogie as the "volume fouler of the day"? This means that if Boogie played the whole game, he would be mathematically expected to foul out more often than not. Ladies and gentlemen, we are witnessing a hacking prodigy. And I for one enjoy every minute of it.

You tell 'em, Boogie.

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