Lord of the Championship Rings: Return of the Tweener

That's right!  After a long absence, I'm bringing back my "Tweener" column!  You can read the original "Tweener" here, and other examples here and here and here and...ok enough already.

>>>> Mostly I decided to bring this back because the Australian Open started today/yesterday/I don't really understand how the international dateline works, but it was on TV when I woke up in the middle of the night.  If you haven't seen or heard about the draw, well, one half is a little stacked.  Here's what is important in this tournament:

• If Rafael Nadal wins, he ties Sampras with 14 career majors.  Due to the draw and his streak of 24 consecutive matches won, the odds seem to be in Djokovic's favor.  But you better believe if these two make the final I will be up at 3:30am that Sunday to watch it.
• That's really the only important thing.
• Serena will probably still be really good.
• Oh wait - I'm reeeeally hoping we see something like this:

>>>> STOP THE PRESSES.  Whatever you're doing, it isn't worth it.  Instead, you should be spending the next 5 hours staring at the NBA standings, since four whole Eastern Conference teams are currently above .500!  Actually Toronto plays Milwaukee tonight, and Boston on Wednesday, so this may hold up for a while.

Wait.  Who am I kidding?  This is the Eastern Conference we're talking about!  Relish it while you can.

>>>> In all seriousness, call me crazy, but Chicago (because no Luol Deng) and Detroit (because Josh Smith lol) are going to fall out of those standings.  (When I told him this, co-Volume Shooter Paul Britton told me I was crazy.)  Instead, the New York Suddenly-A-Real-Basketball-Team-After-Benching-JR-Smith Knicks will pull it together (much to Denver's chagrin, since they own the Knicks' first round pick), and the Charlotte (!!!!!!) Bobcats will also find a way in.  I know...I really did just type those words, which virtually guarantees Charlotte will lose 10 of their next 11 games (though they'd probably still be within striking distance of the playoffs because the East is that bad).

>>>> This (s/o to Drake Varn):

Deng, That's An Interesting Trade

On Monday, January 6, the Chicago Bulls traded Luol Deng to the Cleveland Cavaliers for Andrew Bynum, his hair, and three draft picks.  This trade was probably not that big of a deal, but deng it we're going to make it one! Welcome to our first roundtable discussion of 2014!

Who won this trade?

Paul: Um, neither team? In a sense, the Bulls "won" by avoiding the luxury tax this season and trading away an expiring contract for something, even though it is likely to be a late first or second-round pick sometime a few years off. At the same time, you have to think Deng might have chosen to remain in Chicago after his contract expired, which now seems like something with no shot of happening. Meanwhile, the Cavs clearly got better this season by adding Deng, a very solid player who has played at an all-star level as recently as 2 seasons ago. Unfortunately, they are 11 games under .500, have the 4th worst point differential in the league, and even in the Big 10 Conference Eastern Conference, they have to be seen as a long shot to make the playoffs. Are you really making this trade to try and convince LeBron you are "serious about contending?"

Grading the NBA Draft

At the start of 2014, it's important to look back on some big moments from 2013, like the NBA draft.  Plus, we're far enough into the season that we can now take a bunch of small sample sizes and make really hyperbolic statements about how well some teams did during this draft.  I'm bold enough to take that leap of faith.  Without further ado, here's a look at the quality of some of the 2013 draft picks:

#1: Cleveland Cavaliers - Anthony Bennett

Grade: LOL

#2: Orlando Magic - Victor Oladipo

On the First Day of Christmas, I Really Tried to Watch: 12 Hours of Basketball

In case you had to spend your Christmas with family members, or doing something other than watching over TWELVE HOURS of basketball – don’t worry, I tried to do it for you. This was me at 12:30 last night:

12:00PM EST – Brooklyn Nets vs. Chicago Bulls

Q1 – 12:00 – Scrimmage Game #1 today features a rematch from the first round of the Eastern Conference playoffs last May. You can understand why the schedule included these two teams – Derrick Rose was supposed to elevate the Bulls to ‘contender’ status, and the Nets have spent more money on players than...actually than nothing. They've spent more money on players than anyone has on anything. Ever.  However, the teams are a combined 19-34 this year, somehow failing to be a part of the playoff picture in a dismal Eastern Conference. But Jimmy Butler and Kirk Hinrich are both back in the Bulls lineup (they’re still missing Luol Deng), so maybe they’ll continue their upward trend from their last 10 games (6-4). The Nets, meanwhile, get Kevin Garnett back in action, which is a major boost after losing their leading scorer/rebounder/pickup line artist/basketball player Brook Lopez for the season. Plus...DJ Augustin!

Can you tell I’m trying to convince myself it is worth sitting in front of the TV for this game?

What Can We Say About Kobe?

Kobe Bryant is 14th in NBA history in total regular season minutes played.  45,502, as of this writing.  He's 2nd in playoff minutes played, at 8,641, with only a playoff series or two separating him from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.  That's 54,143 minutes played over his 17 years in the league.  That's almost 38 days of playing basketball, and that only counts game time.  He's amassed these totals despite being only 25th and 4th in total games played (regular season and playoffs), and 37th and 43rd in minutes per game (regular season and playoffs).

That, my friends, is longevity.  It is also the combined luxuries of frequently sharing the court with other great players and having a traditionally deep bench, allowing Kobe to get a bit more rest than teams that have leaned heavily on one superstar, like Kevin Durant's Thunder (16th and 12th in regular season and playoff minutes per game career averages) or Lebron James's anything (6th and 6th in minutes per game averages).

A Triumphant Return, and A New Bullet in Washington

I know.  I can hear what you’re thinking.  “It’s about damn time.”

We’re sorry we were away for so long. We didn’t write during the summer because, well, we didn’t think you’d want to hear about how a simulated NBA2K13 season turned out if we each controlled 10 teams.  And also we didn’t want to do that much work.

But why did it take this long for us to come back?  That’s up there with the great mysteries of the universe, right next to: why do athletic shorts' pockets always come out of the wash inside out, why did they only make three Lord of the Rings movies for those three books (but turned the novel The Hobbit into 3 movies), and what does the fox say?

Actually the reason is simple – we wanted to ensure two things (yes...it only took 3 paragraphs before I made my first list of the season): (1) We were committed to continuing to produce worthwhile content, and (2) we had the writers and support to do so.  The truth is, we loved doing this last season, but three people producing 6 items a week was just too much.

Enter: our new cast of writers.  You know Paul, Brian, and me – if you’re new to blog (hooray!) we started this around Christmas last year and largely covered the NBA all the way through the finals in June when the San Antonio Spurs mysteriously lost to some other team.  I can’t remember who it was.

If you’re not new, allow me to introduce Will Roberts, Joel McMurry, Sean Cunningham, and Dane Callstrom.  One sentence each, here goes:

-       Will lives in Charlotte, hails from the Bay area, and likes throwing one hand passes out of bounds.

-       Joel lives in Chicago, generally enjoys watching athletic competitions on the television, and is apparently moving to Hawaii, giving us a correspondent able to cover the nighttime broadcasting on ESPN8 – The Ocho.

-       Sean lives, breathes, and occasionally burps basketball, is living in North Carolina, and plays basketball like a mix of healthy Danilo Gallinari and 45 year old Antoine Walker.

-       Dane lives in Kansas City, shaved his head after losing a bet, only to have his hair not really grow back, and joins our staff as a senior college basketball correspondent.

As per usual, I am now 400 words into a piece and haven’t really said anything of substance.  So here’s what I’ll say:

John Wall.

I’ll grant you that his assertions (“I’m the best point guard in the league.”) may be a little crazy, at least in an era with a healthy Chris Paul, Tony Parker, and Russell Westbrook (although Russell Westbrook prefers to play the “I’m a freak athlete” position instead of point guard).  But I legitimately think the list of point guards ahead of Wall stops there.  Wait, I forgot Steph Curry, and this blog loves him.  But Wall is top 5.

According to John Hollinger’s stats (on Tuesday, December 3, 2013), John Wall is 24^th in the league in PER.  He’s 13^th in Value Added.

Wall’s overall field goal percentage is just slightly lower than his career averages, but that should improve has he settles for fewer long 2-point jump shots.  Otherwise, compared to career averages, he’s shooting 8% better from beyond the arc, averaging 1 more assist per game (9.2 this season), averaging more steals and fewer turnovers, and shooting 6% better from the stripe.  His supporting cast is decent, but there’s no clear second option while Bradley Beal remains hurt.  And Wall knows this – why else would he grab a board and race down the floor in 2.72 seconds to go one on two (and still manage to score)?

A healthy Wall, with an eventually healthy Beal, will walk the Wizards into the playoffs.  But I’m going to be bolder – if those two are health for 50 games, the Wizards will grab a top 4 seed.  Before you go claw your eyes out, please note two things: First, Beal and Wall are likely both all stars this year if both remain healthy.  More importantly, as of this writing, at 9-9 the Wizards are sitting pretty at .500 on the season and are in third place in the Eastern Conference.  This won’t hold up, but with a healthy roster the Wizards could lay legitimate claim to the third spot in the East.  (Really, teams are battling for the 3 through 6 spots to avoid Indiana and Miami in round 1.)

Come find me in March.  I’ll either be proud and attending as many Wizards games as possible, or hiding inside, pretending the nation’s capitol doesn’t house an NBA team.

Welcome back!

Wrap It All Up: The Finals, Next Season, and a Grand Hiatus

Jack: Well gentlemen, we've reached the end of the season. Already one of the best finals series in recent memory has been overshadowed by the trade talks between the Clippers and Celtics. But before we get to that, let's take a look back at that finals series.

Three of the games were remarkable. Four were...underwhelming? Games 6 and 7 were the greatest culmination of a Finals series we could have asked for. So many different questions could be asked - about what this means for Lebron, what it means for Ginobli and his bald spot, where the Spurs and Heat go from here - but let's start with this: This Finals series was _____?

Paul: It sounds cliche, but the only word that accurately characterizes that series is epic. Jack already mentioned games 6 and 7, which were without doubt the two best consecutive series-clinching finals games of my lifetime (cue the age jokes here), and each individually probably rank in the top 10 for finals games during that period, with game 6 possibly the best game ever. But beyond that, if you include coaches and executives, this series featured 10 SUREFIRE HALL-OF-FAMERS. Ten!!! (for those of you who are curious, that's R.C. Buford, Pat Riley, Gregg Popovich, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Tracy McGrady, Lebron James, Dwyane Wade and Ray Allen). And that doesn't even include guys for whom the jury is still out, like Bosh, Spoelstra, Kawhi Leonard, and Patty Mills's towel. I don't think we will ever see a series with that sort of star power again, at least until the NBA contracts and only has 4 teams each in Chicago, New York, LA and Miami.

Here's an interesting question though - how good will San Antonio be next year? People are already writing their obituaries, but last time I checked, that's become a yearly occurrence, and unless Ginobili retires, they should return almost the same roster they just won 60 games with. I think they are legitimate favorites again in the Western Conference. Do you guys agree?

Weener Wednesday - Game 6 Reactions

Once more, a hiccup in our weekly time-table has me posting on Wednesday instead of Tuesday.  Therefore, this column is now "Weener Wednesday" instead of "Tweener Tuesday."

It would be wrong of me to talk about anything other than last night's Game 6 of the NBA Finals.  So let's get a few things out of the way.

1. The Spurs missed some free throws.  I don't mean to imply I would have made them.  But everything else can be taken with a grain of salt through the lens of...they could have made their free throws and it wouldn't have mattered.
1.5. I just want to make sure I'm clear...the Spurs missed some free throws.
2. WHY WAS TIM DUNCAN NOT IN THE GAME AT LEAST FOR THE SECOND TRIP DOWN WHEN THE HEAT NEEDED A THREE AFTER THEY GOT AN OFFENSIVE REBOUND THE FIRST TIME ray allen that was a great shot BUT SERIOUSLY POP WHAT WERE YOU THINKING DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE INDIANA DEBACLE YOU PLAY YOUR BEST PLAYERS PERIOD END OF STORY WHAT HAPPENED

NBA Finals Gifs

The NBA Finals are tied 2-2!!  Bosh and Wade are back!!  Lebron didn't let three slow games in a row get in his head!!  Tiago Splitter isn't actually good at basketball!!

Let's slow known on the knee-jerk reactions a little bit.  In order to get away from all that, we've compiled some of our favorite gifs from the NBA Finals so far.  You know how much we love gifs.

Best Plays in GIF Form

We'll start here, because this happened in Game 1, and because Norris Cole had no chance/got completely eviscerated:

Manu is a passing god.  If you look closely, you can actually see the fan in the stands with a wand that is actually controlling the ball in the first gif:

This just shows how strong Lebron is: Splitter wound up, Lebron went straight up, and Lebron said, "No thank you."

The Tweener: Danny Green, Danny Green, Danny Green, and Nadal (and Danny Green)

On February 26 I wrote an inaugural Tweener column.  Due to our live blogging of Game 2, this week's Tweener is appearing on Wednesday - sorry if you had withdrawal yesterday.

>>>> This is how I felt last night watching Game 3 of the NBA Finals.

Check out Tony Parker in that clip. "Oh my god."

You know why?  The big numbers are obvious and have been covered: the record number of 3s in a game - the trio of Neal, Green, and Leonard scoring the same number of points as Wade, Lebron, and Bosh in this series (which is NOT a good thing for Miami) - Tracy McGrady going 0-for-2 yet somehow getting the loudest cheers of the night and registering a solid +10 over his 7 garbage time minutes.

But here are some more numbers from that game:

The NBA Finals: So Many Questions, Who Will Answer?

Tonight. 8:30. Miami. San Antonio. The NBA Finals.  Don't worry - we've answered the 10 most important questions so you don't have to.

Here we are - the Finals have arrived. Are you surprised this is the match-up we ended up getting?

Brian: Not at all. Everyone and their grandmother had the Heat representing the East, and although I had picked the Thunder at the beginning of the season, the loss of Westbrook immediately flipped my pick to the Spurs. You don't win 58 games by accident.

Jack: Not really. We knew it would take a stroke of really bad injuries luck for Miami not to make it to this point.  I think the Spurs may draw some motivation from all the "Westbrook getting hurt completely changed the West" talk.  Or at least I hope they do.

Paul: Before the season started, only one of ESPN's panel of 35 experts picked this particular matchup in the finals, so on one hand, this finals matchup is pretty surprising. That being said, everybody expected Miami in the East, and San Antonio brought every piece back from the West's best regular season team last year, so for anybody thinking objectively, it shouldn't have been a surprise at all.

How many games will Joey Crawford be prominently involved in?

Brian: At least 2. He might be involved in every game played at Miami, if David Stern has his way. I'm already giddy for the inevitable Tim Duncan technical just because Joey Crawford feels like it.

Jack: 1.6, after inadvertently ejecting himself with Norris Cole in the 3rd quarter of his second game refing.

Paul: The only person both delusional enough and power-hungry enough to consider letting Joey Crawford ref a Finals game is...David Stern. Crap. I'll say 2.

On a scale of 1-10 how excited are you for this Finals series?

Brian: 8.5 - I can't give it a 10 because I hate both of these teams. That being said, they are clearly the best 2 teams in the league, and play extremely smart, precision basketball. As a basketball nerd, I'm salivating. Ok, I just bumped myself to a 9.5.

Jack: 7.1.  I don't want the Heat to win...I think that's well documented.  So I can't be too excited.  But it is going to be a ridiculously high quality series.  Which is great.

Paul: Surprisingly, I'm about a 9.2 - not because I like either team, but because I expect to see basketball played at an extremely high level all series, even in pressure situations, with a lot of scoring thrown in. Throw in the 8-10 future hall of famers competing or coaching (and the unintentional comedy of Popovich's halftime interviews) and I expect to see the most entertaining finals since at least 2009. Bump this up to a 13.4 if the Spurs win and Popovich busts out this dance again:

The Tweener: Chasing a Record, Crowds, and Flops

On February 26 I wrote an inaugural Tweener column.  As we push back each of our weekly columns in honor of Memorial Day, today becomes "Tweener Wednesday."  Here are this issue's quick hitters, and by quick I mean somewhere between short and TLDR:

>>>> The San Antonio Spurs complete their ground pounding series sweep of the Memphis Grizzlies over the holiday weekend.  They didn't win games in resounding and crushing fashion, but there was just this sense of inevitability.  In fact, since Westbrook went down, it has just felt that way about the Western Conference (I feel that way about the Heat and the Eastern Conference as well - it just feels like Lebron can just finish this when he wants, even though the series is now 2-2).  Lebron has played 128 playoff games already in his career.  That's a lot.  Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobli, and Tony Parker have won 98 games together in the playoffs.  That's good for second all time, behind a group led by this guy:

Why is the East so bad? Let's fix this.

We were going to write something about Game 1 of the Pacers-Heat Eastern Conference Finals. We really were. It was a weird game. Paul George's emergence at the end, Paul George's disappearance at the very end, Lebron, the curiously quiet Miami crowd, Frank Vogel's coaching - there is plenty to talk about. But for those of us (me) who are not excited about a Miami repeat, the game served as yet another reminder of how easily the Heat may just walk through the East.  They played a team with a sub-.500 record in the first round.  They played a team missing 3 starters in the second round. And now they face an Indiana team that won't be able to play much better than they did in Game 1 (Indiana got a lot of free throws, shot, and held Miami to a miserable 3 point percentage - those are three tough things to keep up).  Look Miami is a great team. In the regular season they made a run at being historically great.  But the talk of "fo' fo' fo'" - that Miami would sweep all three Eastern Conference series 4-0 - is a red flag regardless of how good the team is.  The Eastern Conference just is not as good as the Western Conference (2 teams with 50+ wins this year to 5 in the West; 7 teams with 40+ wins to the West's 10).

Our mission, should we choose to accept it (I do), is to provide a variety of options David Stern and the NBA may use to realign the powers in the Eastern Conference (aka make it has hard as possible for the Heat to achieve a three-peat...a Heat-peat, if you will).  We welcome your comments, critiques, and suggestions.

This should be our goal. Metaphorically. Actually watch this 4 more times
and watch Jimmy Butler's leg. Lebron clearly exaggerates his fall, but
Butler definitely at least moves his leg towards Lebron. Which makes me laugh.

Option 1: Swap Memphis and Milwaukee

I'm leading with this because, if we're honest, moving Memphis to the Eastern Conference is really the best place to start. "But Jack," you say, "Then we're going to miss out on a decade's worth of Clippers-Grizzlies match ups in the playoffs as the 4 and 5 seed!" You're right. And I'm sorry about that. But the good news is, you won't have to watch Monta Ellis ever play in the playoffs again! I'll take that trade off.  Anyway, with Conley, Gasol, Randolph, Allen, Pondexter, and Bayless, and without Rudy Gay, Memphis will be a very solid to very good team for the next couple years.  If they add a shooter, they'll be even better.  They have size and defenders, and I would love to see them lose to Miami in six games in the Conference Finals.

Option 2: Change the Charlotte mascot back to the Hornets.

Done. Next.

Option 3: Allow Sam Presti to make all draft day decisions for the Wizards. 

2013 NBA Draft Roundtable

If you're looking for something to keep you from clawing your eyes out as you re-watch highlights of the Pacers blow Game 1 against the Heat, we've got you covered. We give you our takes on the top 5 overall picks in the 2013 NBA Draft and the impact we think they could have.

Pick #1: Cleveland Cavaliers

Jack: Andrew Wiggins. Isn't he the clear #1 overall? The Cavs have long-term answers at PG (Uncle Drew), PF (Thompson), and C (depending on how you view Varejao's health, but he was putting up 14 points and 14 boards a game before getting hurt), and maybe even SG if Waiters continues to improve.  Maybe you prefer Jabari Parker? Either way, this draft is so weak I think we see a high school player go first overall.  (I actually think they should trade this pick, either by trading down or by trying to get a young SF...I'm thinking Kawhi Leonard or Danny Green or Klay Thompson? But if they must pick, they'll probably take Nerlens Noel, C, Kentucky because he's the safest bet.)

The Tweener: Moore, OK, we're here for you.

On February 26 I wrote an inaugural Tweener column. It's that time of the week again - this issue's quick hitters are below with a special topic at the end.

• This is the worst part of the playoffs, where the time between televised games gets longer, and the entertainment factor within each game gets smaller.  You have to assume the NBA office is performing every sort of voodoo magic they can think of to prevent a Memphis-Indiana final. If there wasn't the possibility that at any moment Wade could throw an alley-oop pass to Lebron, and if the Spurs offense wasn't the prettiest thing to watch since Emma Watson in Harry Potter 7 Part I (the saving grace of that movie), I wouldn't watch any of these Conference Finals games.  And even though Miami and San Antonio aren't the largest markets out there, they're still pretty effing big. And the best part is, no one knows what to think about that match up. Seriously. They've basically never played each other at full strength. Can Popovich draw up the perfect Xs and Os to beat a small ball, athletic, we're-faster-than-you-because-you-play-3-old-men kind of attack? So here's to Indiana beating Miami so this intrigue can live on for another year!

No really, the Pacers are so boring Lance Stephenson tried choking himself.

Space Jam Roundup: Our Thoughts on Your Thoughts

As promised, here are our thoughts on our picks from yesterday's fantasy board draft. We've addressed our own picks, each other's picks, and those comments that were left on Facebook and the blog itself.

Paul: So I just spent a fairly long time perusing a jersey website trying to find a Tskitishvili jersey (no luck). However I did find this jersey for Brian: https://www.basketballjerseyworld.com/products/WAS0211-rasheed-wallace-washington-wizards-bullets.

Brian: I might have to get the Sheed jersey with expedited shipping, and I'll take a look at the linking feature this weekend.

Jack: Speaking of the Bullets, if we hypothetically said we were using 2012's draft order - you know who messes up this draft? The Wizards with the 3rd pick. "Ok, Lebron and Durant are gone. Irving? Harden? Paul? Oh crap we're down to 10 seconds...Beal looked pretty good this year? Klay Thompson is on fire since David Lee went out...uhhh we select Andrew Bogut!!!"

Ok, on to our thoughts?

The New Space Jam

Picture this: Aliens show up, Space Jam style, and have decided that the current configuration of teams in the NBA isn't fair (because aliens are small-market fans, and especially love Sacramento for God knows what reason).  They take control of David Stern's body (and Rip Hamilton's - this via Nate Robinson's instagram) and broker a deal between the NBA and the Player's Association that nullifies every existing contract, making every player a free agent.  To reassign players a fantasy draft has been created.  You, the casual-to-avid basketball fan, receive a telephone call from an NBA owner (who also must be under alien influence) and he informs you that his franchise has a top-10 pick in the upcoming draft.  Your task? Create a draft board for him to use as the draft progresses.

Below are these "draft boards" from each writer for this site. They are controversial, they are based on opinions, and in some cases they are based on little-to-no sleep.  We fully welcome your comments - in fact, we would love it if you left your own draft board as a comment here or on Facebook.  (We'll put up our defense of our picks and comments on others sometime tomorrow.)

The Tweener: Parties, Iron Man, and a Facebook Creation

On February 26 I wrote an inaugural "Tweener" column. It's that time of the week again! Here are this issue's quick hitters:

Happy Birthday to...

My birthday is at the end of this week. So I figured it would be interesting to see if any famous NBA players shared my birthday, or at least a volume shooter or two. Here's what I found (possible Obscure NBA Players alert!):

Live Blog - Nuggets-Warriors, Game 6.

The gang invited a special guest to live blog (most of) Game 6 from Oracle Arena. Below is the largely unedited transcript of our conversation, with parentheticals added to delineate critical events within the game.

 Paul:  Well guys, welcome back to another exciting edition of the Volume Shooters live blog! We've got a special guest with us tonight, resident Warriors fan William "Frattin" Stratton Roberts. Bulls v. Nets however is still ongoing so we're catching the end of it quickly. What say you all?

 Jack:  DAVID LEEEEEEE

(For reference, a TNT game break just showed David Lee warming up.)

 Brian:  hey will!

(i'm sitting next to him)

that's so funny

 Will:  regretting inviting me yet?

 Jack:  I don't know if we get the same commercials or not, but I would like to say that I hate the "Hopper" commercials with all the miniature crap. "It's the same thing"...the hell it's not! I don't want a tiny ass beer and one nacho!

Related...I do like the AT&T commercials. I'm sorry, what's going on? The Bulls are down 4 with 2:45 left?

 Brian:  Resident Warriors fan Will can barely contain himself. Will Steph go for 40? Can Andrew Bogut continue his resurgence? Can the Nuggets continue their dirty play from game 5 with plenty of help from the refs? So many story lines!

 Will:  Thanks for the invite guys! I have a number of opinions. I'm glad I have you in my reach to share them. And probably have to reach the.

Read *

Them *

Already Drunk.

The Tweener: A let-down, a spectacular quarter, and a spectacular revelation

On February 26 I wrote my inaugural Tweener column. It's that time of the week again - here are this week's quick hitters:

Womp

One of the most unfortunate feelings in life is being let down. I'm talking, major time let down, like your city's franchises repeatedly make the playoffs or have great seasons and can never win anything important (cough Denver cough).  This isn't some "I wanted to go for a bike ride and it rained" kind of crap. I really mean let down. As far as I can remember, this has happened to me 4 times in my life: (1) when I was flying home from abroad and passed out on the plane, causing me to miss my connection cause they made me go to the hospital, causing me to get stuck in London for 5 days because of snow (this was really not tight at all), (2) when I was 14 and had gotten the new version of Madden each Christmas for like 5 straight years and all I could think about on Christmas Eve was getting to play it for 14 hours the next day, and then "Santa" didn't bring it that year, (3) when I heard Emma Watson was newly single, only to have someone respond to my exuberance with "yeah did you hear how she said she's done dating American men?", and (4) when my parents didn't fill the pinata at my kindergarten birthday party with candy (this is actually the most anti-climactic moment of my life...but the good news is one of my classmates still managed to hit my uncle in the face while we were trying to break the empty-pinata, so that saves it a little bit).

Why did I say all of that?

Remember that time they photo-shopped Steve Nash's face onto
John Cena's body for the cover of this issue?