Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Josh McRoberts’ Facial Hair Incites Chris Bosh Shooting Spree

On the first of December, the year of our Lord 2013, the Miami Heat managed to best the Charlotte Bobcats by a measly single point 99-98. The game itself was closely contested with the Bobcats leading by a point at halftime. In the 4th quarter the strangest of sequences took place.

Charlotte started to pull away from the Heat and, by the end of the 3rd, were up a full 12 points over Miami. With just under 4:00 left in the game, Josh McRoberts took a scraggly-looking 6ft jumper to put the Charlotte Bobcats up 87-80. Chris Bosh, so incensed by the gross, patchy, I can only presume smelly, and roadside-possum-resembling beard of McRoberts, that he had not yet noticed, went on the most unlikely of shooting sprees.

Uncharacteristically trying 4 three-point shots, Bosh succeeded in sinking 3 - all within just more than a minute of each other. His four attempted threes in the 4th quarter was not only his season high for a single quarter, but also more than he had attempted in any other game this year.

The singular most likely explanation for this rage-fueled flurry of shots from distance can be reasonably discerned from the absence of any other logical reason that Bosh would make us watch his ungainly shooting form. You can be sure Miami coach Erik Spoelstra didn’t huddle up LeBron James and Dwyane Wade at the end of the third quarter and say, “Ok let’s start finding Chris for the 3.” No, the only thing that makes any sense at all was that Bosh hadn’t noticed the unlikely Bobcats producer until McRoberts’ jumper in the 4th.

As any other well-adjusted adult would similarly react, Bosh couldn’t take the sight of ugly Josh McRoberts’ facial hair and went into a blind rage of shooting. In fact, in the Charlotte timeout following Bosh’s final heave of the night, you even saw Bosh scream furiously in what one can only presume was the direction of Josh’s facial faux pas.

The two teams meet again January 18th, and possibly we’ll see this riveting drama develop further. On Thursday Dec 5th, however, the Heat play the Chicago Bulls, and there’s no telling what heinous acts Joakim Noah’s haircut will induce from the Heat’s power forward.

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