Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Expect Layups: The NCAA Women's Championship

Usually every week I compare my impressions of a player or team to statistics, to see if they confirm the "eye test." I first started out by looking at Bobcats legend Byron Mullens. However, this week I'm going to be bringing you something entirely different - that's right, a live blog of the women's NCAA basketball championship.

Editor's note: I thought this game started at 9:23pm just like the men's game. Oddly enough, they started it earlier because most people don't feel compelled to watch women's basketball til midnight. This means that the first 18 minutes of the first half consisted of me watching the Lion King. I am not the least bit ashamed. We pick up with 1:50 remaining in the first half.

1:50: I flip the channel and a travel is called immediately. Tough call, she only took 4 steps without dribbling. Looked like a cartoon character wiping out on a banana peel. Oh by the way - Louisville is down by 20 with 2 minutes left in the first half.

1:41: A deep 3 from UConn. Apparently that girl has 17 points already. It's like Trey Burke's extremely pale, white female twin! I can get into this.

1:35: A loss of basic motor function by UL's point guard results in a turnover. Maybe I can't get into this.

0:42: Louisville cuts it to a "manageable" 19 points. I'm having trouble writing this with a straight face.

0:30: Girl with 17 points on UConn is apparently named Brianna Stewart. The announcer casually mentions that her wingspan is 7'1". KEVIN DURANT only has a 7'5" wingspan. Maybe the Bobcats can take her with the #1 overall pick.

0:22: Louisville's shooting guard decides to take a contested, fadeaway 18 footer across her body, also known as the "JR Smith." And it's good!!! Just kidding, it nearly put the cameraman in a wheelchair.

0:10: UConn's point guard decides to end the half with back to back near-airballs. Geez, why don't you build a house for the homeless with all those bricks?

0:00: We have a special guest for halftime - Maya Moore!! Back to the Lion King it is.

(Halftime spent crying over Mufasa's death)

20:00: And we're back!

19:40: Quick Louisville basket. Lead down to 17. Has a team ever won the men's and women's tournament in the same year? That would be pretty cool.

19:22: Quick UConn basket. UConn coach Geno Auriemma is currently sweating through his 3rd shirt of the game, setting his sights on Gary Williams' long standing record of 7.

17:40: UL guard actually dribbles off her foot out of bounds. Jesus.

17:10: UConn drains a wide open 3. Gotta be honest, I'm very aware which team is the 1 seed in this game.

16:50: UL point guard throws a pass to 3 UConn defenders with none of her teammates in sight. "She's not really a natural point guard," the announcer lets us know. Well, then.

15:40: UL's backup point guard brings the ball up the court with the single greatest "deer in the headlights" look I've ever seen. Even I feel kinda bad. UL misses a wide open 3.

14:50: Rick Pitino is interviewed. He has clearly not slept in 48 hours, and is looking like a homeless man's Charlie Sheen. In a 12 hour span, Pitino won the national championship, had his horse qualify for the Kentucky Derby, made $3 million, and his son was hired to coach basketball at the University of Minnesota. Now that's a heater.

13:50: Louisville takes a charge and hits a 3 on the other end! THERE IS FIGHT IN THIS DOG YET!

13:27: Schloppy turnover from UConn. Extra schloppy.


12:45: Brianna Breanna Stewart puts the kibosh on that run with another 3. I just found out that she can dunk. Seriously, can the Bobcats draft her already?

12:15: Louisville airballs a stepback jumper and UConn's center throws the outlet pass out of bounds. That was fun.

11:55: Louisville airballs a fadeaway jumper and UConn's point guard throws a transition pass out of bounds. That was fun.

11:55: Wait, what just happened??

11:55: Geno is sputtering he is so angry. He actually sounds like Popeye the Sailor Man. Bro you're up 18, lighten up!

8:15: Nifty pass from UConn's point guard leads to a layup, a steal leads to another layup, another steal leads to a 3, and a bad shot by Louisville leads to another 3. All of a sudden it's a 27 point game. Where's Luke Hancock when you need him?

7:33: UL point guard pulls up from 28 feet with 25 left on the shot clock...(CLANK). Who the hell do you think you are?

7:12: Flagrant foul on Louisville's center! I love when things gets chippy in women's basketball. Kinda hot, actually.

6:16: Foul shots and a couple buckets make it a 32 point lead for UConn...and they hit yet another 3. UConn 87 - Louisville 52. The women's record is apparently 97 points in a championship game. I am now rooting for this to happen.

3:49: Louisville launches a series of...ummm..."ill-advised" 3s. I'm tempted to yell, "PULL!" every time they shoot like I'm going skeet shooting.

3:10: Geno just subbed Breanna Stewart back in! He's winning by 33! Somebody shoot this guy.

1:35: Louisville just subbed in bench warmer Shelby Harper. The fuck were they waiting for?

0:34: Louisville misses a 3. They are now 0 for their last trillion.

0:00: UConn runs out the clock for a 33 point win. That was the exact opposite of the instant classic we had from the men's game last night. On the bright side, I found my new crush. Marry me, Shelby Harper?


  1. Truly disappointed with this coverage. Did nothing interesting happen for the four minutes between 12:00 and 8:00? Really, I expect more.

  2. I'm not sure whether to laugh hysterically or be super offended.............

  3. this game sounds like it was sick. they should make a WNBA video game

  4. However, this week I'm going to be bringing you something entirely different - that's right,Backpacks For Men of the women's NCAA basketball championship.