Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Always Heed the Killer "B"s

A guest piece from the mind of Dane Callstrom.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of year again.  A time of magic.  A time of hope.  And, yes, a time of “madness” when you realize you’ve already gambled away your tax refund you haven’t gotten yet. 

It’s a time when Louisville and Indiana fans boldly proclaim themselves the future champions while secretly praying they don’t get “Norfolk Stated.”   It’s a time when Davidson and Valpo fans cling to the hope that this year is their year to be Cinderella—otherwise known as Te’o-ing.     It’s a time of year when lots of things happen in lots of places near and/or around lots of people.  I think I’ve made my point—March Madness is a moment in time.  And it’s here through the first week of April!

But, as any Kansas fan knows, March Madness is a time of the killer “B”s.  For those of you who reside under a rock, this happened in 2005. The Bucknell Bison, a 14-seed, took down the 3-seed, Kansas, in the first round.  Jayhawk Nation was more embarrassed than future Lindsey Vonn when she finds out Tiger slept with 23 women while dating her.

The following year, this happened.  Another first round upset to another “B” team—the Bradley Braves. Two promising years.  Two early exists.  Two performances more embarrassing than being seen at a movie theater on a Friday night with Lennay Kukua.  

If there’s one thing the Jayhawks have learned from these experiences, it’s to heed the killer “B”s— not to be confused with the “Killa Bees” or anything related to the Wu-Tang Clan.  And you should heed them too—the killer “B”s, not the Wu-Tang Clan.  Well, perhaps the Wu-Tang Clan on occasion as well, but not all the time.  Anyway, I digress.

You may ask, “Dane, why should I heed the killer ‘B’s?”  My response: Prosperity.  In other words (according to an internet thesaurus), fortune, wealth, riches, luxury, and—my personal favorite—gravy train.  To off-quote Jerry Maguire, the killer “B”s will “Show you the money!”  Of course, I am talking about winnings from NCAA Bracket Pools. 

Now, I’m not going to claim that I have a method that will show you how to pick the perfect bracket.  That’s impossible.  The day you pick a perfect bracket is the day that Joe Flacco is considered an elite quarterback.   However, I am here to tell you that I have a method that will show you how to pick the national champion.  This method isn’t any of that statistical crap those “bracketologists” use.  No, this method is a combination of logic, more successful bracket methods (colors, mascots, etc.) and, of course, the killer “B”s.  In 2013, my method has been proven to be accurate 100% of the time according to a survey made up for this post, and I’ve boiled it all down to four simple steps.  Let’s get to it!

Step 1Black Players

Imagine this…

You are blindfolded with a gun pointed at your head, and you are given a choice.  There is going to be a one-on-one basketball game.  One player is white.  One player is black.  That is all you know about either player, and you must choose the winner.   If you choose correctly, you live.  If you choose incorrectly, you die.  Who do you choose?

If you chose the white player, you dead.  If you chose the black player, you alive! This is because black people are better at basketball than white people (God. Rules of Earth. Garden of Eden: University of Knowledge, 1376 BC. Print).  If that’s not enough proof, here’s more from sports cinema:

            Q: Who saved the Looney Tunes from the Monstars? 
            A:  Michael Jordan.  He’s black.
Q:  Who were the two worst players on that team, including the Looney Tunes? 
A:  Bill Murray and Wayne Knight.  They’re white. 

Q:  How many whiteys balled in Coach Carter?
A:  One guy.  Who sucks.  And is a male stripper. 

Q:  What was the worst cinematic basketball scene of all time, and who was in it? 
A:  Zac Effron in High School Musical. 

Hell, you don’t even have to watch a whole basketball movie to understand what I’m saying.  Just Google “best basketball movie ever” and click on any of the links.  Somewhere on that list it will tell you that “White Men Can’t Jump.”  So…
Step 1: Eliminate any team that has a white person in its starting lineup.

This eliminates over half the field and leaves us with these teams:

Teams with No White Starters
San Diego State
N.C. A&T
Southern University
Iowa State
New Mexico State
Saint Mary's
James Madison
Michigan State
North Carolina
La Salle
Middle Tenn
Northwestern State
Virginia Commonwealth
Wichita State

Step 2Blue Colors

Do you ever get tired of your girlfriend getting picks right (that you got wrong) because she thought one team’s uniforms looked prettier than the other?  I can’t relate because my method never allows me to be wrong, but I hear many people grow tired of that situation.  Well, perhaps, your girlfriend is on to something.  Perhaps you should try making your picks based on uniform colors.  Perhaps even a very specific color. 

What color, you say?  Well, we already know it must start with a B in order to adhere to the killer “B” rule, and we’ve already used black, which leaves two main colors left: blue and brown.  Now, let’s look at the statistics to decide which we should choose.

In the past 10 years, not a single team has won the national championship without blue as one of their team colors.  Believe it or not, that’s actually true.  Syracuse, in 2003, was the last to do it.  Every team since then has some shade of blue as a team color.  Seriously.  Look it up.  Let’s not break that trend. 

Step 2: Eliminate any team that does not have a shade of blue as one of its main colors.

That leaves these teams:

Teams with Blue Colors
James Madison
N.C. A&T
Saint Mary's
Middle Tenn
North Carolina
Southern University

Step 3Brown Mascots

Do you ever get tired of your girlfriend getting picks right (that you got wrong) because she thought one team’s mascot looked prettier than the other?  I can’t relate because my method never allows me to be wrong, but I hear many people grow tired of that situation.  Well, perhaps…okay, I’ve got nothing to support this one, but here’s the next step:

Step 3: Eliminate any team whose physical mascot does not have a shade of brown.

We are left with our Final Four. 

Teams with Brown Mascots
James Madison
Saint Mary's

* Remember that this method is only to determine the national champion.  These are the final
four teams we can select the champ from, but it does not necessarily mean this is who will make the actual Final Four.

Step 4:  The Killer “B”s

It’s been argued that the NBA is a player’s game.  However, it’s often argued that college basketball is a coach’s game.  Talented players are very helpful, but when in doubt, bet on the better coach, not the better players.  So, for our final step, you must find, not the team, but the coach that will win.  To do this, you must clear your mind and simply listen for the answer.

Step 4: Listen to the Killer “B”s
(You’ll actually want to think of them as killer bees here.)

What noise do bees make?  That’s right.  They go, “Bzzzz.”  If you struggled with that one, I’d suggest purchasing this.  Now, the answer is clear.  The bees go buzz because this year’s NCAA Tournament Champion will be…

Coach Buzz Williams and Marquette!

There you have it, folks.  They’re a black team with blue colors, a brown mascot and a coach named Buzz, which clearly means Marquette is the champion.  Don’t ever forget to heed the killer “B”s!

Good luck arguing with this airtight March Madness theory.

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