On the First Day of Christmas, I Really Tried to Watch: 12 Hours of Basketball

In case you had to spend your Christmas with family members, or doing something other than watching over TWELVE HOURS of basketball – don’t worry, I tried to do it for you. This was me at 12:30 last night:

12:00PM EST – Brooklyn Nets vs. Chicago Bulls

Q1 – 12:00 – Scrimmage Game #1 today features a rematch from the first round of the Eastern Conference playoffs last May. You can understand why the schedule included these two teams – Derrick Rose was supposed to elevate the Bulls to ‘contender’ status, and the Nets have spent more money on players than...actually than nothing. They've spent more money on players than anyone has on anything. Ever.  However, the teams are a combined 19-34 this year, somehow failing to be a part of the playoff picture in a dismal Eastern Conference. But Jimmy Butler and Kirk Hinrich are both back in the Bulls lineup (they’re still missing Luol Deng), so maybe they’ll continue their upward trend from their last 10 games (6-4). The Nets, meanwhile, get Kevin Garnett back in action, which is a major boost after losing their leading scorer/rebounder/pickup line artist/basketball player Brook Lopez for the season. Plus...DJ Augustin!

Can you tell I’m trying to convince myself it is worth sitting in front of the TV for this game?

ICYMI: There's A New Jetson

We now bring you the first part of a new and what we hope will be a season-long series: Did You See What Happened on "Inside the NBA on TNT?"

The Scene: December 19, 2013.  Halftime of the Golden State Warriors vs. San Antonio Spurs.

What: Charles "Chuck" Barkley fails to correctly remember Elroy Jetson's name, instead calling him Leroy Jetson.

Our favorite things about this segment:

7 Things You Can Do In 0.3 Seconds

On Tuesday, December 17, Florida Golf Coast had a game-tying shot in double overtime negated. They were playing South Florida and were trailing 66-68 with 0.3 seconds left when Chase Fieler caught a full-court pass and made a shot as time expired. He got the shot off before the buzzer sounded, but the officials ruled that it didn’t count. See it go down here:

Apparently, there’s a little rule in college basketball that states: 

“In any period, when the game clock displays 10ths of seconds and play is to be resumed by a throw-in or a free throw when 3/10 (.3) of a second or less remains on the game clock, a player may not gain possession of the ball and try for a field goal. Such player can only score a field goal by means of a tap of a pass or of a missed free throw.”

It’s hard to blame Fieler for his failed attempt at “Just the Tip.” There’s not a whole lot you can do in 0.3 seconds, but there are at least 7 things you can do in that amount of time...

So What's Up with Portland?

What if I told you that an anonymous NBA team was led by a center that spends the majority of this time taking midrange jumpers - to the tune of 12.5 per game. Then I told you that their second best player was a second-year, shoot-first point guard...who doesn't shoot all that well, checking at 41.2% for the year. The rest of their starters were journeymen, having spent time playing for numerous other NBA teams, not to mention teams abroad. Their bench was just one year removed from being - by FAR - the worst bench in the league. And their coach was seen as a numbers nerd, who had never had a winning season as an NBA head coach before. How many games would you guess this team would win? 32? 25? Enough to get the #3 seed in the East?

When taken separately, none of these facts seem to be strong indicators of NBA success. But somehow, in Portland this year, a wild and wacky collection of players has come BLAZING out of the gates (I crack myself up sometimes). At 21-4, they have the best record in the West to this point and sit behind only Indiana, who they recently beat, for the #1 overall seed in the league. More impressively, they are doing most of this work with solid team play rather than outstanding individual work, although Lamarcus Aldridge is a shoo-in for the all-star team if they keep performing like this. But how, exactly, did they get to this point?

Here's a hint: None of these guys helped.

What Can We Say About Kobe?

Kobe Bryant is 14th in NBA history in total regular season minutes played.  45,502, as of this writing.  He's 2nd in playoff minutes played, at 8,641, with only a playoff series or two separating him from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.  That's 54,143 minutes played over his 17 years in the league.  That's almost 38 days of playing basketball, and that only counts game time.  He's amassed these totals despite being only 25th and 4th in total games played (regular season and playoffs), and 37th and 43rd in minutes per game (regular season and playoffs).

That, my friends, is longevity.  It is also the combined luxuries of frequently sharing the court with other great players and having a traditionally deep bench, allowing Kobe to get a bit more rest than teams that have leaned heavily on one superstar, like Kevin Durant's Thunder (16th and 12th in regular season and playoff minutes per game career averages) or Lebron James's anything (6th and 6th in minutes per game averages).

Madison Square Garden Rims Consider Lawsuit Against Bulls and Knickerbockers

“The misses would have been more tolerable if only more of them were air-balls, and there were a good number of those, but we were wearing most of those shots straight to the chin. Who needs these work conditions?” said one rim. Upon review of the film, Daniel Gibson was not present, despite suspicions.

At the halfway mark of the Wednesday night matchup between the Knicks and the Bulls, Chicago was shooting less than 30% from the field and New York was managing a measly 40%, though by comparison 40% was jaw-droppingly impressive. In a half-time interview with the rims from basketball’s most famous venue at Madison Square Garden, each identical twin confirmed, “it was a bloodbath out there.”

Some Studs, Some Duds, and Kevin Love's Moustache

We’re back, baby! That’s right, after a lengthy hiatus due to the off-season, other time commitments, and general apathy towards the sort of NBA “news” typically found between July and October (Al Jefferson thinks the Bobcats are “ready to take the next step!”), Volume Shooters is returning for a second season. This year, in addition to the quality writing (OK, just quality .gifs, but please bear with us here) you’ve come to expect from Paul, Jack and Brian, we have a veritable stable of new writers coming into the fold this year anxious to share their thoughts on the greatest professional league in the world. We will have them introduce themselves when they write their first pieces, but trust us when we say they all will have good insight into the season – despite what you may think from talking to them every day.

But onto the important stuff: this NBA season! Most teams are 16-18 games in so far, so most of the extremely small sample size results (the Sixers can win the East! The Nuggets will be favorites in the lottery!) have evened themselves out. Despite this, there have been some major surprises thus far, and people are starting to backtrack on some of their preseason predictions. So which of these trends are likely to continue and which will die out by season’s end? Considering I was correct on a full ONE AND A HALF out of FIVE bold predictions last year, I feel as though I’m uniquely qualified to answer that question. We will examine some early season trends, and grade them as True, Truthy, Falsey, and “Skip Bayless-certified.” So here we go…

Trend: Indiana is the best team in the league

In fact, they are so good it bores Lance Stephenson

Josh McRoberts’ Facial Hair Incites Chris Bosh Shooting Spree

On the first of December, the year of our Lord 2013, the Miami Heat managed to best the Charlotte Bobcats by a measly single point 99-98. The game itself was closely contested with the Bobcats leading by a point at halftime. In the 4th quarter the strangest of sequences took place.

Charlotte started to pull away from the Heat and, by the end of the 3rd, were up a full 12 points over Miami. With just under 4:00 left in the game, Josh McRoberts took a scraggly-looking 6ft jumper to put the Charlotte Bobcats up 87-80. Chris Bosh, so incensed by the gross, patchy, I can only presume smelly, and roadside-possum-resembling beard of McRoberts, that he had not yet noticed, went on the most unlikely of shooting sprees.

A Triumphant Return, and A New Bullet in Washington

I know.  I can hear what you’re thinking.  “It’s about damn time.”

We’re sorry we were away for so long. We didn’t write during the summer because, well, we didn’t think you’d want to hear about how a simulated NBA2K13 season turned out if we each controlled 10 teams.  And also we didn’t want to do that much work.

But why did it take this long for us to come back?  That’s up there with the great mysteries of the universe, right next to: why do athletic shorts' pockets always come out of the wash inside out, why did they only make three Lord of the Rings movies for those three books (but turned the novel The Hobbit into 3 movies), and what does the fox say?

Actually the reason is simple – we wanted to ensure two things (yes...it only took 3 paragraphs before I made my first list of the season): (1) We were committed to continuing to produce worthwhile content, and (2) we had the writers and support to do so.  The truth is, we loved doing this last season, but three people producing 6 items a week was just too much.

Enter: our new cast of writers.  You know Paul, Brian, and me – if you’re new to blog (hooray!) we started this around Christmas last year and largely covered the NBA all the way through the finals in June when the San Antonio Spurs mysteriously lost to some other team.  I can’t remember who it was.

If you’re not new, allow me to introduce Will Roberts, Joel McMurry, Sean Cunningham, and Dane Callstrom.  One sentence each, here goes:

-       Will lives in Charlotte, hails from the Bay area, and likes throwing one hand passes out of bounds.

-       Joel lives in Chicago, generally enjoys watching athletic competitions on the television, and is apparently moving to Hawaii, giving us a correspondent able to cover the nighttime broadcasting on ESPN8 – The Ocho.

-       Sean lives, breathes, and occasionally burps basketball, is living in North Carolina, and plays basketball like a mix of healthy Danilo Gallinari and 45 year old Antoine Walker.

-       Dane lives in Kansas City, shaved his head after losing a bet, only to have his hair not really grow back, and joins our staff as a senior college basketball correspondent.

As per usual, I am now 400 words into a piece and haven’t really said anything of substance.  So here’s what I’ll say:

John Wall.

I’ll grant you that his assertions (“I’m the best point guard in the league.”) may be a little crazy, at least in an era with a healthy Chris Paul, Tony Parker, and Russell Westbrook (although Russell Westbrook prefers to play the “I’m a freak athlete” position instead of point guard).  But I legitimately think the list of point guards ahead of Wall stops there.  Wait, I forgot Steph Curry, and this blog loves him.  But Wall is top 5.

According to John Hollinger’s stats (on Tuesday, December 3, 2013), John Wall is 24^th in the league in PER.  He’s 13^th in Value Added.

Wall’s overall field goal percentage is just slightly lower than his career averages, but that should improve has he settles for fewer long 2-point jump shots.  Otherwise, compared to career averages, he’s shooting 8% better from beyond the arc, averaging 1 more assist per game (9.2 this season), averaging more steals and fewer turnovers, and shooting 6% better from the stripe.  His supporting cast is decent, but there’s no clear second option while Bradley Beal remains hurt.  And Wall knows this – why else would he grab a board and race down the floor in 2.72 seconds to go one on two (and still manage to score)?

A healthy Wall, with an eventually healthy Beal, will walk the Wizards into the playoffs.  But I’m going to be bolder – if those two are health for 50 games, the Wizards will grab a top 4 seed.  Before you go claw your eyes out, please note two things: First, Beal and Wall are likely both all stars this year if both remain healthy.  More importantly, as of this writing, at 9-9 the Wizards are sitting pretty at .500 on the season and are in third place in the Eastern Conference.  This won’t hold up, but with a healthy roster the Wizards could lay legitimate claim to the third spot in the East.  (Really, teams are battling for the 3 through 6 spots to avoid Indiana and Miami in round 1.)

Come find me in March.  I’ll either be proud and attending as many Wizards games as possible, or hiding inside, pretending the nation’s capitol doesn’t house an NBA team.

Welcome back!

Wrap It All Up: The Finals, Next Season, and a Grand Hiatus

Jack: Well gentlemen, we've reached the end of the season. Already one of the best finals series in recent memory has been overshadowed by the trade talks between the Clippers and Celtics. But before we get to that, let's take a look back at that finals series.

Three of the games were remarkable. Four were...underwhelming? Games 6 and 7 were the greatest culmination of a Finals series we could have asked for. So many different questions could be asked - about what this means for Lebron, what it means for Ginobli and his bald spot, where the Spurs and Heat go from here - but let's start with this: This Finals series was _____?

Paul: It sounds cliche, but the only word that accurately characterizes that series is epic. Jack already mentioned games 6 and 7, which were without doubt the two best consecutive series-clinching finals games of my lifetime (cue the age jokes here), and each individually probably rank in the top 10 for finals games during that period, with game 6 possibly the best game ever. But beyond that, if you include coaches and executives, this series featured 10 SUREFIRE HALL-OF-FAMERS. Ten!!! (for those of you who are curious, that's R.C. Buford, Pat Riley, Gregg Popovich, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Tracy McGrady, Lebron James, Dwyane Wade and Ray Allen). And that doesn't even include guys for whom the jury is still out, like Bosh, Spoelstra, Kawhi Leonard, and Patty Mills's towel. I don't think we will ever see a series with that sort of star power again, at least until the NBA contracts and only has 4 teams each in Chicago, New York, LA and Miami.

Here's an interesting question though - how good will San Antonio be next year? People are already writing their obituaries, but last time I checked, that's become a yearly occurrence, and unless Ginobili retires, they should return almost the same roster they just won 60 games with. I think they are legitimate favorites again in the Western Conference. Do you guys agree?

Weener Wednesday - Game 6 Reactions

Once more, a hiccup in our weekly time-table has me posting on Wednesday instead of Tuesday.  Therefore, this column is now "Weener Wednesday" instead of "Tweener Tuesday."

It would be wrong of me to talk about anything other than last night's Game 6 of the NBA Finals.  So let's get a few things out of the way.

1. The Spurs missed some free throws.  I don't mean to imply I would have made them.  But everything else can be taken with a grain of salt through the lens of...they could have made their free throws and it wouldn't have mattered.
1.5. I just want to make sure I'm clear...the Spurs missed some free throws.
2. WHY WAS TIM DUNCAN NOT IN THE GAME AT LEAST FOR THE SECOND TRIP DOWN WHEN THE HEAT NEEDED A THREE AFTER THEY GOT AN OFFENSIVE REBOUND THE FIRST TIME ray allen that was a great shot BUT SERIOUSLY POP WHAT WERE YOU THINKING DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE INDIANA DEBACLE YOU PLAY YOUR BEST PLAYERS PERIOD END OF STORY WHAT HAPPENED

Obscure NBA...Finals MVP?

What if we told you that through 5 games in this series, one team would hold a strong 3-2 lead over the other behind a record-setting performance by one of their role players, you'd probably assume that Ray Allen had woken up from a season-long slump...or that Kawhi Leonard had locked down Lebron like nobody before him...or that Chris Andersen would have shot 100% through 5 games again...or that Patty Mills would have successfully ripped a hole in the space-time continuum using a towel. Well, the first statement here is true, but the "role player" to step up is not one that many of us - OK, any of us - expected. Yes folks, if the series was a Best-of-5 rather than a Best-of-7, Danny Green would almost certainly have been named Finals MVP last night. That's the same Danny Green who was waived by the Cleveland Cavs after Lebron left, and was waived twice by the Spurs before finally catching on in 2011 after a desperation phone call to coach Popovich got him back on the roster.

He also features hilariously in this video of Lebron's 25th birthday.

Yet with a bit of coaching and a lot of hard work, Green reinvented himself as a deadly three point shooter, shooting 43% over the last two seasons and shooting a scorching 52% on over 6 attempts per game this postseason. He has made 25 THREE POINTERS through 5 games, smashing Ray Allen's record from 2008 (which, by the way, was set in a 7-game series), and has played incredible defense as well, notably on the fast break. This article will likely jinx him for games 6 and 7, but assuming he continues this pace and the Spurs win the series, would he be the most unlikely Finals MVP in history? Let's look at some other candidates, rated on a 1-10 scale, where 1 is '93 Jordan and 10 is...well, '13 Danny Green.

NBA Finals Gifs

The NBA Finals are tied 2-2!!  Bosh and Wade are back!!  Lebron didn't let three slow games in a row get in his head!!  Tiago Splitter isn't actually good at basketball!!

Let's slow known on the knee-jerk reactions a little bit.  In order to get away from all that, we've compiled some of our favorite gifs from the NBA Finals so far.  You know how much we love gifs.

Best Plays in GIF Form

We'll start here, because this happened in Game 1, and because Norris Cole had no chance/got completely eviscerated:

Manu is a passing god.  If you look closely, you can actually see the fan in the stands with a wand that is actually controlling the ball in the first gif:

This just shows how strong Lebron is: Splitter wound up, Lebron went straight up, and Lebron said, "No thank you."

Real Men of Basketball: The Baller Old Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the baller old guy.

Old people ruin everything - that's just a fact. Parties, highway driving, late night basement hookups...you name it. So what's worse than when a bunch of young bloods try to get a pickup game going and the only option for the 10th man is Old Man River and his replacement knees? I'll tell you...it's when Old Man River decides to put on a fucking clinic.

Too easy against these young bloods

The Tweener: Danny Green, Danny Green, Danny Green, and Nadal (and Danny Green)

On February 26 I wrote an inaugural Tweener column.  Due to our live blogging of Game 2, this week's Tweener is appearing on Wednesday - sorry if you had withdrawal yesterday.

>>>> This is how I felt last night watching Game 3 of the NBA Finals.

Check out Tony Parker in that clip. "Oh my god."

You know why?  The big numbers are obvious and have been covered: the record number of 3s in a game - the trio of Neal, Green, and Leonard scoring the same number of points as Wade, Lebron, and Bosh in this series (which is NOT a good thing for Miami) - Tracy McGrady going 0-for-2 yet somehow getting the loudest cheers of the night and registering a solid +10 over his 7 garbage time minutes.

But here are some more numbers from that game:

Obscure NBA Player of the Week: James Jones

Each week at Volume Shooters, we highlight an NBA player, past or present, who doesn't spend much time in the spotlight but is nonetheless a valuable cog in his team's quest for the championship. Obscure players tend to be on obscure teams, but with the playoffs going on, we tried to pick somebody out from one of the title contenders. Here's this week's edition:

Well, the NBA Finals have finally arrived, and with them, most of the obscure NBA players have departed off the national scene. Let's see, who is left here...Matt Bonner? Too mainstream. Patty Mills? Already done. Rashard Lewis? Formerly the second highest paid player in the league! He's out. Who else, who else...how about him:

Yes, it turns out the Heat do have obscure guys on their roster! That's James Jones. Know anything about him? Me neither. Let's try and see what his career has been like...

Live Blog: Spurs/Heat, Game 2

With Jack sidelined for the weekend at the first of many weddings the three authors will be crashing attending as honored guests in the coming years, Brian and Paul fired up a lively discussion about the goings on in Game 2 of the NBA Finals.

Brian: Hey fans, we kick off this blog with 3:42 left in the first quarter and the Heat up 16-15. Early thoughts:

1. Really like Wade's aggressiveness thus far. He's gotta keep it up for the Heat to win.
2. Steph Curry is apparently wearing a Danny Green mask tonight. Seriously, when did Danny learn to shoot?
3. LBJ strangely quiet so far. I expect that to change in the 2nd quarter after his teammates cool down.
4. I still really hate Ginobili and Duncan.

And with that I'll kick it to Paul...what's happening my dawg?

Paul: What's up Brian,

Not sure I'll have too much to contribute since my brain is feeling rather squishy after a loooong evening out last night. I pretty much have the brain function of this kid:

The NBA Finals: So Many Questions, Who Will Answer?

Tonight. 8:30. Miami. San Antonio. The NBA Finals.  Don't worry - we've answered the 10 most important questions so you don't have to.

Here we are - the Finals have arrived. Are you surprised this is the match-up we ended up getting?

Brian: Not at all. Everyone and their grandmother had the Heat representing the East, and although I had picked the Thunder at the beginning of the season, the loss of Westbrook immediately flipped my pick to the Spurs. You don't win 58 games by accident.

Jack: Not really. We knew it would take a stroke of really bad injuries luck for Miami not to make it to this point.  I think the Spurs may draw some motivation from all the "Westbrook getting hurt completely changed the West" talk.  Or at least I hope they do.

Paul: Before the season started, only one of ESPN's panel of 35 experts picked this particular matchup in the finals, so on one hand, this finals matchup is pretty surprising. That being said, everybody expected Miami in the East, and San Antonio brought every piece back from the West's best regular season team last year, so for anybody thinking objectively, it shouldn't have been a surprise at all.

How many games will Joey Crawford be prominently involved in?

Brian: At least 2. He might be involved in every game played at Miami, if David Stern has his way. I'm already giddy for the inevitable Tim Duncan technical just because Joey Crawford feels like it.

Jack: 1.6, after inadvertently ejecting himself with Norris Cole in the 3rd quarter of his second game refing.

Paul: The only person both delusional enough and power-hungry enough to consider letting Joey Crawford ref a Finals game is...David Stern. Crap. I'll say 2.

On a scale of 1-10 how excited are you for this Finals series?

Brian: 8.5 - I can't give it a 10 because I hate both of these teams. That being said, they are clearly the best 2 teams in the league, and play extremely smart, precision basketball. As a basketball nerd, I'm salivating. Ok, I just bumped myself to a 9.5.

Jack: 7.1.  I don't want the Heat to win...I think that's well documented.  So I can't be too excited.  But it is going to be a ridiculously high quality series.  Which is great.

Paul: Surprisingly, I'm about a 9.2 - not because I like either team, but because I expect to see basketball played at an extremely high level all series, even in pressure situations, with a lot of scoring thrown in. Throw in the 8-10 future hall of famers competing or coaching (and the unintentional comedy of Popovich's halftime interviews) and I expect to see the most entertaining finals since at least 2009. Bump this up to a 13.4 if the Spurs win and Popovich busts out this dance again:

Real Men of Basketball: The Hilariously Out of Shape Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the hilariously out of shape guy.

Nothing warms my heart quite like a competitive game of pickup basketball. Sure it's fun when you're the best player on the court and raining it NBA Jam style, but truth be told I'd rather play a tough game when all of the players on the court know what they're doing. 

Now it's no surprise that basketball is a physically demanding sport - you need to be in at least decent shape to play at a competitive level. Which is why nothing is funnier to me than walking out onto the court and seeing the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's doppelganger warming up at the speed of a three toed sloth.

Feed me on the block!

The hilariously out of shape guy could not be more out of place on a basketball court. He is physically maxed out after 3 trips down the court, and his body resembles a car wreck in slow motion. I would feel bad for him, but it's tough when he resorts to clotheslining anyone within arms reach because that is literally his last defense. But wait, NBA players are professional athletes. There aren't any such guys in the NBA, right?

Wrong.

Shaq used to be one of the most dominant athletes in the league, but as many of you saw, he went to seed quickly. I love you Shaq...but for the last 3 years of your career, you were the hilariously out of shape guy.

He can still move though!

The Tweener: The Finals, Ejections, and an Actual Tweener!

On February 26 I wrote an inaugural Tweener column.  It's that time of the week again - and as a special bonus, the French Open is going on!  Here are this week's quick hitters:

>>>> Obligatory note here to acknowledge that Miami put in a dominant performance last night and will face the San Antonio Spurs in the NBA Finals.  My co-writer Paul turned out an amazing piece yesterday on Gerald Green, which was fantastic because we actually had a Gerald Green sighting in last night's game!  I'll go ahead and throw out my ill-thought-out Spurs-in-6 prediction here.  Once Westbrook went down I think we all secretly wanted this.  And if someone tells you they know how this is going to play out - they're lying.  Which is why we'll probably put out a piece on Thursday about how that series is going to go.  And Gregg Popovich will react like this: